another day another dollar

Well today was a roller coaster. Up and down, but I think i ended up on top this time. Tomorrow is looking better, but I have taken steps to ensure my getting better.

As a side note, one of my commentators said that perhaps this was a hormonal shift rather than anything else. I disagree, as this has been going on for over a month now, plus I have been struggling with clinical depression for over 5 years now. For those of you who didn't know that, tah dah! I'm on a very light dosage of a generic antidepressant (basically zoloft), and take counseling when I feel I need it. This is a time where I feel it would be beneficial. Special thanks to a certain person who moved to Louisiana who knows who she is for helping me to pursue my demons when she was here. Furthermore I think counseling (since I get it for free at school...) is a good addition to any mental health mantra as its just one extra outlet. Like having a surge protector on your computer, just one extra way to prevent a major crash.

My frustrations the past week or so have simply been exacerbated by the absence of dear friends and the fact that I was so certain I had made leaps and bounds past the stage I am currently at. Last year was very challenging for me, but also very healing in the way that I conquered many of my body image issues and gained back the self confidence I had lost in the transition to the next stage in my life. This current 'backsliding' if you will infuriates me when I had worked so hard to surmount those roadblocks the first time. But I suppose the old addage must come into play, and I'll get back on the horse. Its when my own self-punishing nature comes into play that things become seemingly hopeless, for I conciously put myself away from anything pleasing or joyful merely to punish myself for my melancholy. This is my folly, one I find very hard not to feed. But I'm a work in progress, I suppose God intended it that way, else wise I most certainly wouldn't be me. And wouldn't that be a shame?

Onward friends, I must alert you to a horrifying bit of information. As some may know, I'm a closet anime fan. Well... alright, I'm not really closet at all. The point is I came upon a gruesome fan fiction the other day that was a crossover between Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place and Yu Yu Hakusho. This greatly alarmed me as I am quite the fan of the intrepid Spirit Detectives and to mix thier likes with that of ....bleh... disney channel... is too sinful for words. I implore all of my like minded compatriots to join with me in a giant outcry against distasteful fanfiction on all the web. Please, for the sake of the children...



Meanwhile, back at the ranch.... I've never really had the opportunity to write that phrase, you know? I'd like to let everyone know my opinion regarding Sarah Palin. I don't like her as a candidate. I have many reasons, in fact I wrote a whole paper on the subject, but mainly my personal opinion is that she is an atrocious public speaker and can't handle an interview with Katie Couric for land's sake! The woman stumbled though foreign policy as if foreign policy itself was constituted in her mind by the fact that she can see russia from her state on a clear day. Who cares?! She also kept falling back to her main points with little to no supporting evidence or examples. I'm picky, there are even professors I love to death whom I can't stand to watch speak because they have certain ticks that bother the heck out of me. For instance, one of my current professors in my cap class is absolutely brilliant, has a vocabulary that makes me drool (being the bibliophile I am). However, he has tha habit of peppering every other words with um or uh. Now, granted I'm not the best public speaker in the land by anymeans, but I can say it still greatly detracts from my attention.

However, the reason I'm not voting for McCain/Palin isn't because Palin sucks at interviews, no my friends, its for principles far deeper. Palin/McCain are against abortion in all cases, even in rape and incest. I am a strong believer in an individual's right to choose in such a personal matter. I don't believe any government should be able to take your control over your own body. I also don't believe the government has the right to decide whom a marriage can be between. Marriage is a matter of religion in my mind, and I think the only thing the government should be giving to ANYONE, two men, two women, one man one woman, hermaphrodites, whatever, is a civil union with whatever tax benefits are currently attached to the word marriage. It is not wrong to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transexual etc. I think god cares for us all equally, and if you are so inclined to be attracted to someone who is not of the norm, so be it and god bless you for at least being who you are. It is those who are not true to themselves that irk the heck out of me. I also think that if McCain and Palin are going to invoke so much patriotism into thier speeches and such, they need to go back and look at what the framers of the constitution originally intended, and that was a small central government and states that do not rely on the federal government for every move. I also, after being involved with the IEA/NEA, various school districts and directly working with youth education in this state, cannot stand to have the No Child Left Behind Act continue to be upheld by a McCain/Palin administration. I have seen the havoc this has wrought on so many educators and resolve that should I ever end up in a position to speak out against more than I already have, I shall pursue it to no end.

Finally, I would like to address the idea of McCain/Palin as how myself and many of my affiliates feel. Bush to McCain would not be a change or reform in D.C. It would simply be a shift in who holds the reins. I see nothing but furthering the travails that our country has been involved in. I mourn now for the day they see election, for my rights will easily die with the sunrise.

I am an independant moderate, who thought she was a republican, until she saw the underbelly of republican politics in Illinois. I am a woman, young and true and idyllic in thought, hardened in the head, but not yet in the heart. I am a cynic, who hopes against hope. I am innocent, and wish to fight as such until corruption swallows me up, despite the teasing and catcalls of an older, more seasoned generation. I am inexperienced and unknowing but aware of what I lack.

Thus, I am forever yours,


The Lady in Black

very very very very depressed

have no idea why

stay far far away from me please

what scares me most is there is no reasoning for this, it came on so fast and I don't know why. Nothing has happened, by all rights I should be happy, but I am somewhere between wanting to hurt myself and cry. I laid in bed for over 8 hours today waiting for a phone call I knew wasn't going to come.

One half of me can think rationally, the other half is completely controlled by my emotions, it is rash, often violent and quick to see-saw between absolute despair and total, unchecked rage. My self-punishing nature is in full force.

The people I love, stay far away from me. I am much too unstable right now.

Blah blah blah...

So....
hmm....

nothing unusual to report.


Today was rainy... might have a job soon... tired...






oh and uh.... I heart my ninja! :)

Scarily accurate Numerology thingamabob on my name... (Just for kicks...)

Rebecca Jo Luke

There are 13 letters in your name.
Those 13 letters total to 48
There are 6 vowels and 7 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Hebrew

Female

Variant of Rebekah: Captivating; knotted cord.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.

The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 5

An Inner Dream number of 5 means:
You dream of being totally free and unrestrained by responsibility. You see yourself conversing and mingling with the natives in many nations, living for adventure and life experiences. You imagine what you might accomplished.

Rough draft of an epiphany snatched out of the dusty dirty air onboard a school bus full of screaming children.

So, I must relate the reasonings of this blog. I work at a children's summer activity day camp. I deal with children daily and am pretty much used to all they can come up with. However, this morning I walked in and was told two parents had been in and were seriously concerned due to the fact that two of our campers had been involved in sexually harassing other children. The incident that was related to me that most concerned me was that a younger child (about 5 years old) had heard two fourth grade boys talking about raping a girl. The younger child went home and asked his parents what the word 'rape' meant. Needless to say this a very serious situation. These two boys are basically brainwashed. They say that sports are for 'wussies' and that guns, knives and violence are cool. They are very knowledgeable about wars, but also think that everyone from the middle east is a terrorist and that if you are not a republican you are a bad person. So most of my day was spent brooding over the future of my youthful charges and whether they would care about changing our world for the better. Now those who know me best (Though you be few in number) know that when I become this pensive I often turn back to my roots as a writer . Today was no different. So in the back of a bus in a haze of children's voices, asphalt dust and afternoon rays I penned these few lines. True, tis awfully rough draft, and somewhat 'corny' but what do you expect? All I had to look at was cornfields anyway...

Man of the street
Living in a box with nothing to eat
Asks a rich man walking by:
Could you spare a quarter
for a man a little poorer
than yourself?
Times are tough
The world is rough
Can you feel what I'm saying man?
I'm down on my luck.

Rich man walks on by
So secure in his mind:

I wouldn't know
Wouldn't know
The state of things from down below
I've got a house on a hill, money in the bank
a six-figure pay check and gas in the tank.
Sure your life is unfair,
but tell me mister, why should I care?

In a far away country
On the edge of the sea
Same rich man
on a different street
watches a mother and daughter in a bakery.
As he starts to pay his fee
the woman grabs his hand
and voices her plea:

I never had a chance
Not for a sec
Denied an education
because of my sex.
I can't learn so I can't earn.
And I'll never be free.
But I look at my daughter
and in her I see
the hope of my nation
Do you know what I mean?

The rich man can only shake his head.

I wouldn't know.
Wouldn't know
The state of things from down below.
I've got a house on a hill and money in the bank,
an education from Harvard and gas in the tank.
You say your life is unfair,
But tell me miss, why should I care?

Same rich man, same business trip.
Spots a skinny little boy with blood on his knees

The boy runs up and begs for money as he cries:

My mother has too many mouths to feed

So I must dig through the trash

To find something to eat.

My belly is empty and I’m so hungry,

Please sir, can you help me?

The rich man shrugs:

I wouldn’t know

Wouldn’t know.

The state of things from down below,

I’ve got a house on a hill and money in the bank

Food on my table and gas in my tank.

You say your life is unfair,

But tell me little boy, why should I care?

Different man on a different street,

Sees a little girl so shy and sweet

Decides to ask her if she believes in love

She answers:

I wouldn’t know

Wouldn’t know

My daddy lives in this house on a hill.
He’s addicted to money

As my mother is to pills.

Love’s just something

I hear in fairy tales.

So I couldn’t tell you mister

I just wouldn’t know.

Someone else's writing from a Runner's World discussion board post..

This was posted on Runner's World.com discussion board. This post spoke to me and completely reflects some advice I was recently given. I wish to share it so that others who also posses this 'disease' may be cured. You have no idea what it is like to equate worth with beauty and the havoc it wreaks upon your mind until you have run until you have bled, beaten yourself for doing your best and felt shame for allowing tears to fall when you are hurt. I say a prayer for all of us who suffer from ourselves, our society and the fear and pain projected onto us simply because we are not perfect.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

One of my close friends is walking precariously close to the edge and I am afraid that any warning I shout or any abrupt move I make to reach out to her will startle her and cause her to tumble.

My friend is one of those girls. By this, I mean she is so startlingly beautiful that people do a double take just to make sure they don't know her from some magazine. She is fit (a great runner) and sexy and fresh and stunning. She stands out in a crowd. Usually women like this are off-putting to other women, that old jealousy thing, but something about my friend makes her beauty a magnet instead of repellent. Initially it might be a bizarre form of curiosity, like, is this woman really equally pretty on the inside? Once you realize that her beauty goes all the way through, curiosity turns into comfort and there you are. Lucky to be in her good company.

Except for one, hopefully short-lived, problem.

She doesn't see herself this way. Someone said something negative to her that should have come off in the wash, but it stuck. It somehow set off a chain reaction of other long-buried mines of doubt and delusion. And now it's like someone has replaced her mirror with a circus fun house mirror and she can't see anything clearly anymore.

Everyone can relate. It's like the sad hostility, the PMS feeling of trying on ten different things while trying to get ready to go somewhere, all of them insufficient and stifling. Everything feels unflattering, but the only useful thing to change is our perspective, not our outfit. But no one can hear that when they are in their closet with their clothes in a heap, clock ticking, time to go or else be late.

I run with my friend, listen to her, pray with her, pray for her. But I can't make her see herself the way everyone else sees her, especially God. Why do we do this with our beauty? We stuff it, warp it, minimize it, starve it, berate it, and then wonder where it goes. I know that she will one day be a 70 year old woman who comes across a photograph of herself from this era and she will weep as though seeing this woman for the very first time. She will weep for time lost, for days spent worrying about nothing and time spent chasing something that she possessed all along.

And so here I stand, on the periphery of my friend's sadness. I wish I could use my creativity for her healing...paint her, sketch her, describe her with words, illuminate her from the inside out, so that she could finally see. Or run with her, so far and so fast that everything false would be burned as fuel.

Our culture breeds such insecurity, it runs rampant across our femininty, taking hostages in its wake. Let's run counter to it, circle 'round the other way, surprise it, take our people back.

Perfection is overrated. It's a difficult thing for a perfectionist to say, especially when you look at yourself in the mirror and can't find anything beautiful or lovely about yourself. It's a war waged daily, the struggle to confirm we are worth something, anything at all. Truth is, lame as it sounds, the only weapon to combat such a battle is to look at ourselves and past those around us. Love who you are, and others will love you back. It may take a while to find the right people to love you, but they're out there alright. They're out there.



See you later Space Cowboy....


Lady in Black

A good day.

I am mildly content right now. Tis a very nice feeling to know that you are 'kinda a big deal' to certain individuals on this earth. I enjoy just having fun occasionally. It's very nice indeed.

Yesterday I had a grand time with a certain ninja guitarist who shall remain nameless. We hiked in Lincoln Memorial Gardens for a good part of the morning. I love hiking, but unfortunately this meant we had to stay on these little trail/path things, which rather defeats the purpose of exploring, but oh well. Following this, we went to Starbucks where we witnessed a man of intriguing raiment. This gentleman of four and twenty was dressed in a black t-shirt with a construction company logo, tight blue jean capris with a clip on chain that stretched past his knee, a backwards baseball cap crested with white preppy girl's sunglasses and to top it all off, the piece de resistance, bright pink crocs. This man may have been very nice, but his attire was very humorous to my companion and I.

The rest of the day was filled with sitting in the rose garden at Washington Park beneath a large tree listening to the deftly woven threads of music that emanated from guitar and voice of my charming consort. I haven't the foggiest how much time was spent on a park bench just chatting or joking. But I am sure I do not care anyway. After all, deep conversation is most entertaining when it comes from the wood scented lusty melody of an afternoon fading into dusk.

Today my day was spent wrangling 35 head of children ranging in ages from calves to half grown cattle. Feeding and occupying such a range of ages is often difficult to do, and very tiresome if one doesn't have the patience. I normally posses such patience, but sometimes this store can be exhausted by the infidels of the playground: tiny terrorists who are repeat offenders before my bench. Fortunately one of the heads of this terrorist cell is off to Church camp tomorrow, meaning that the attacks of hitting, kicking, tattling and throwing rocks shall subside for now.


Alas, tis time for me to part dear reader. I am on a mission to obtain a 'rockin' little body' so I can run in the Turkey Trot 5k this fall. So I must go out and train, as well as procure vittles.





See you space cowboy...