Time to get serious.

I'm making no excuses for myself. I don't think that this semester has shown what I can do as a student.

This truly and sincerely bothers me as I care A LOT about my grades. School is the be all to end all for me. Straight A's or die, perfecion must be achieved. I know it's not possible, but I still can try can't I?


It's the end of the semester, when people traditionally slack off. I am not one of those people, traditionally. I normally have a verve and drive and love for school that most find at least a tad bit strange.

I'm finding that love is fading fast, and I need a way to revive it. I still have the drive to succeed mind you, but its the love and enjoyment I found in my work previously i am not finding now. To circumnavigate that love is to remove the personality and fire I have always brought to things I am passionate about.

So why the loss of fire? Where'd the burning go? The flame's still kindled for the ultimate goal, but the air is stagnant on the little everyday goals to get there.

I think I'm being lazy... which is positively awful! I despise that!

I also think that my trouble in concentrating and my disinterest in most assignments partly stems from the fact that I'm actually having fun on a regular basis now where as that was like an 'every three months' kind of thing before. I think this is important to mention, as I'm afraid I might have an addiction to fun... (Stop laughing Josh, I know you are reading this and laughing.) I'm very serious you see. Previously I wasn't allowed out, I didn't do your typical high school things. I didn't go to basket ball games, I didn't 'hang out' after school, I didn't go out on friday or saturday nights. I worked after school, I had a million commitments as an officer of such and such or leader of such and such or I did home work and chores like a good little girl is supposed to. Which isn't bad by any means really. I love my leadership involvement, it is something I am very passionate about, I love where I worked (SAFE Place After School Program, only place where you get payed to tutor kids, play checkers, get beat at soccer and receive free hugs and adoration on a daily basis) and school is very important to me. But I also feel sorta jipped. There are so many experiences, so many fun things I wish I could have done or would have been allowed to do. For the most part I denied even wanting to have 'fun' because it would be bothersome to someone and wouldn't be productive. Then my wonderful 4-H friends. (God love and bless ya'll.) They came and started 'kidnapping' me every once in a while to do normal things. The first time I had ever been to a movie with a friend was last year. First time I was allowed to stay out past midnight? Roughly four months ago. There are certain things expected of me that aren't expected of others. I've been acting like a mini adult since I was 11 years old, and it's starting to be a pain. Now I won't go into all of it as that would be rather redundant to the primary readers of this blog, but I think you understand where I am coming from. I'm not trying to complain or anything, I'm trying to rationalize why I'm acting the way I am now. Sure I'm a little bitter over some things, but who wouldn't be? I guess a better person than I... but whatever...

My point being, I think I've gone without regular fun for sooo long that now it's like an addiction and almost every weekend or every week now I am spending time with people just sitting and talking about things (NOT CLASS THINGS, that's different...) or going and doing something like watching a movie or playing a card game or something. EVERY WEEK! Sometimes even twice a week! I usually have some sort of guilt after having fun or enjoying myself, as you well know my dear loyal readers, its not something I can control. I am one messed up kid my dear readers, but with friends like you, I guess it dosen't really matter anymore, does it?

So we come back to my opening thought. I think I've slacked off this semester. Bad opening to the college experience I guess. In a way, I kind of would prefer being miserable and a kick butt student rather than a mediocre student and feeling ok with things. Boy, that's a depressing statement, eh? Oh well. My point is, my grades concern me at the moment... people will probably tell me not to be concerned, but I'm used to being on top of my education in every aspect. Navigating the University system is a task in and of itself, let alone getting grades. But I make no excuses. I simply am trying to rationalize. It's certainly not right that my grades are this way, and I must confess I'm more than a little afraid at this point in the semester. Especially since half my professors don't even really post 'grades' on blackboard so I''m always confused as heck as to what my real grade is.

But I digress...

The point is:

It's time to prioritize.
It's time to calm down.
It's time to think straight.
It's time to look forward.
What's done is done.
What can change is the road ahead.
Cause I can't go back to fill in the potholes
So why waste time and energy worrying over them?

Positive attitude? Meh.... prolly not...
But let's try for at least a non-negative one.

Nose to the grindstone and pressing forward. That's the only way I can go.

Gosh dang it....

Stupid shakes...

See this is why I didn't want to come to class... if I'd just stayed in my room and waited it out I'd be fine....

meh...

oh well, too late now, it does make an interesting blog post I guess. I'm just hoping no one notices... cause explaining it is rather uncomfortable...

and I guess I'm sort of getting some of my work done



Gosh drat it....
Today's M3C meeting is going to be rather long too so says the email... dang. mmmeeeehhhh....

I tend to overload myself, and this is what I get for it. Oh well, nothing new and I'm tougher than most. One step at a time and no excuses.