I need to get out of my house.

I need to get out of my house. Spring break has simply proven once again that I need only spend a few days, let alone hours with my family before I start to regress from confident individual to subservient daughter once again. I'm tired of this. I'm sincerely thinking of getting an apartment on campus from June 1 to July 29 according to housing contracts. By the time that contract would be up I would be living on the fair grounds anyway in time for state fair and after State Fair I would return to live in the new dorms (grrr). One thing is for sure however, when I wake up this morning and start asking questions in my head again (Why can't you be in a good mood for once? Why do you have to guilt me into everything? Why can't you trust me? Why can't you be kind to one another? Why do you have to make me feel bad about my body?) That's when I realized, you were right. When I'm away, I try to pretend its ok. That its no big deal: they are my family and I need time with them. That's true. But not enough time to make me regress to less and more unstable of a person than I was before. That's what Spring Break has done, and this is getting ridiculous. I won't stand for insults, I won't stand for this ridicule and I'm tired of my views meaning nothing unless they agree with what is standard in this house. I won't do it any longer. I've never done anything wrong, I've always been very good. My wall is literally, littered with awards, I'm paying for college on my own, and I always do as I'm told. Well now I'm realizing that quite a bit of my obedience to my family is what has me unhappy. Because what makes me happy is markedly different from what makes each of them happy.

So I'm going to try. Because I'm tired of being this way: sad, self-concious, sometimes lonely and sometimes violent on myself. I honestly do want to get better and be happy. I just have to stick with my choices, be bold and deal with what heck comes down on me as a result.


Carry on.


See you Space Cowboy....