I feel neglected, used, like a piece of trash. I despise this.
I want to push away people I know care about me very much, but my mind continues to think of all the ways they could hate me and hurt me.
I am an object, something to be used and thrown away.
I don't want to be around anybody, I want them to go away and leave me alone to hurt by myself in my room in the dark. I just crawl into the farthest corner of my bed and turn off all the lights and pretend someone is there to hug me and take care of me. But no one's really there.
And no one wants to be around someone who is always negative and depressed. But I can't stop it, and I refuse to continue constructing artificial happiness. I hate that more than I hate anything, the fake happiness.
I want to know what I've done wrong. I know I'm very sorry for what I've done, I must be if this is my punishment. I'm tired of waking up almost screaming or on the edge of tears I don't dare ever let fall. I'm tired of being strong all the time, of being on top of things. Can't someone else be the hope please? If only just for a little while?
love in return, that is all that I ask... - Labeau
3 comments:
I always imagine "objects" to be either rounded square or carburetors, and you are neither. And you're not always negative.
HAHA, you still haven't figured it out yet have you? You are a little slow to catch on.
I find that those who love us best are the ones who love in spite of the depression, etc. Don't be "strong," just be you. In vulnerability one discovers irreducible uniqueness. For all of you awards, accomplishments and service to others, the essence of you is none of these. Of course, words, particularly virtual ones, mean little when confronted with a deficit of causeless love, love without expectation, form those whom you desire it most. You remain a remarkable young woman, who I respect and admire, but more than that, you are, like each of us, a soul on a journey, the beloved searching for the primordial lover . May yours be fruitful.
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