Am I a deep thinker or a random thinker? That's up to you to decide...

So I noticed today in my Oral Comm class that we have an interesting arrangement of seating. We have a 9 by 5 desk set up, but most of the girls sit on the right side of the room. There are two girls and the boys sit on the left side of the room. In between, there are two rows of desks, separating the class into two little islands. I find this interesting in an analysis of personality. you see, the right side of the room is what i call 'real girls'. You know the type perhaps: valley girl style talking, tend to wear nail polish and love to go shopping and gossip. On the left side of the room are the males and two girls. These two girls are what one might call more of 'tom boys'. One girl plays basketball for UIS. She's very pretty, don't get me wrong. She just typically speaks like a guy, more rough voice and the usual ephemisms. She always has to come to class right after practice, too so she's typically very athletic looking in a hoodie and warm ups or some such. The other girl is very quiet, tends to sit and doodle and is always in the very front row. I find her to be attentive, but not the same as the girls on the other side of the room, thus her fit with the 'male' side. Now I am not saying these girls are always tomboyish, but in the division of the classroom, there's an obvious division between the two groups of students.

There are at least two rows of empty seats between the two groups. This is a rather obvious gulf, mind you. Interestingly, I chose to sit in this middle ground. I sit in the empty row in the middle towards the right side of the room. Originally I chose the chair I sit in because A: I am a creature of habit and need a 'home base' of operations, and B: it is a green chair, and I love green, it reminds me of 4-H. (If you don't know what that is, you need to message me immediately because 4-H is a huge part of me and reasonably this blog....) Tghis resonates with me as I do consider myself sort of 'in the middle' when it comes to gender roles. For instance, I have a great love of cars, trucks and horsepower in general bu I am also a ball room dancer. I am one big contradiction really. I consider myself a renaissance woman: I do a little bit of everything.

I'm a passionate speaker, an intellectual and leader. I'm also a poet a seamstress, and affectionate and loyal friend. I'm a a classically trained pianist and a classically trained domestic. I know how to get a stain out of almost anything, my sewing portfolio includes two civil war ball gowns constructed from scratch and my culinary skills have always been well received by my guests. So? What's the big deal you may be asking. Well, I'm also a huge fan of NASCAR, enjoy conversations on politics and debating world views, I hunt and fish, and I have a love affair with technology (despite sometimes being rather inept.)

Heck, even my career path is one dominated by men: government and law, anyone? My closest friends are mostly of the male persuasion, saving a few females that are like myself and also renaissance women of sorts. So why are my confidants and comrades typically male? Well... most girls tend not to like me much. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I attribute most of their dislike to my rancor for clothes shopping, love of knowledge, and continuous, steadfast and voluntary lack of a boyfriend. (Honestly, women that think they need a man to be 'cool' or 'successful' or whatever they think is truly pathetic... No offense to all my boys out there who read my blog, but I know YOU guys don't like dependant females, so I think I'm safe.)

So now this begs the question "What am I?". I would ask, " Who am I?" but i know the answer to that one already.

The other day someone told me that I'm "basically a long haired guy". I took great offense to this comment, because I do not wish to be seen in that light. I consider myself a lady, and wish to be treated as such despite some of my more masculine interests. Most of my friends realize this and acomodate it most effectively. I have specific issues with this I think because of the environment in which I have been raised in. My father is VERY sexist and has pushed me very hard to be 'the best', while at the same time I feel he has tried to prescribe to me two different roles. Perfect example was that at 11 years old I took my hunter's saftey education course and enjoyed hunting with my father. (Mind you, my father is a very hard man, i still love him so, but he's very hard to connect with on anything so this was a grand opportunity for me.) However, when I turned 15 I was not allowed to go hunting anymore as my father deemed it inappropriate for me. Another prime example is the HUGE fit he threw when I took small engines for 4-H this past year. His words were something along the line of 'why would a girl want to know anything about that *@&#'. Anyway, I won't go much deeper into that relationship as this is a graded blog for a class, but I think some of you have at least an idea of what I'm getting at. I'm sort of a blend of both gender roles I guess. They say that women are the gatherers and men the hunters, that classic sexist ideal. However, I debunk that myth so much in being all that I am. I am a true, just and loyal protector and gaurdian. I am both fragile and strong. I am both confident, and insecure. I am a contradiction. But I feel that my friends would say that they like having me around. That despite my many contradictions, that they enjoy my company and the relationship they have with me. I'd like to think that at least. I'm never all that boring, mind you, what with the spectacle I am.

As I say, I am not hard to please, just impossible to understand...


But then, maybe you aren't meant to understand me, no matter how much I may want to be understood. Maybe that's just part of being me. Ahh... too many maybes... too much philosophy for one day eh? All from the green chair in COM 111.. funny how my brain works eh? Am I really a deep thinker, or just a random one?


Ciao ya'll,

Lady in Black

I wish this comic was true....

http://xkcd.com/150/

I wish frame two was the honest truth.


I would so much prefer goal oriented learning right now to this perscriptive learning I've been receiving...

The Potomac River at Night: National 4-H Conference 2006

(A shoddy attempt at my poetry assignment from the IM conversation... it's a work in progress...)


We walked by the Potomac at night,

Right outside the Roosevelt memorial.
There were cherry trees lining the shore,
and a winding concrete sidewalk with tiny little lights in it
So that they would shine softly on the blossoms
as they fell into the water
like a silent rain.

The city was all lit up.
and the darkness wrapped around us
Gazing out
We could see the white marble of the Jefferson Memorial
illuminated like some roman temple
and the lights of civilization,
Mixed with that of the stars,
dappling the water.

To be caught up in a moment like that
Your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist
both with excitement and serenity
Dangling your toes in the cool water,
a pair of heels on the shore and my black silk dress
Leaning back on my hands that rested in the shadowed green grass
Business suits and formal finery
Ties loosened and pulled off or worn at a jaunty angle
Somebody, not with us, has lit a cigarette and sat down beside us on the grass.
Acrid smoke, somehow comforting, and another pair of eyes looking and wondering

Letting it drink you all in
Or you drink it in.
I'm not quite sure which it is.

Conversations on writing...

A friend of mine and I having an Instant message conversation on writing... I happen to do a rather long discourse on what writing is to me and I thought it might give the readers of this blog a better understanding of my grand affair with words...

Me): I tend to marvel at words and how they hold power on us

Me:: rhytym of words

Me:: taste of words

Me: roll them around in your mouth like a fine wine kind of words
Him: you havent even had wine, haha

Him: ah, im just teasin, thats not the point, i kno

Me:: true

Me: but I have a worshipful view of language

Him): true

Me: I love people who can describe

Me:: speak well

Me): paint me a picture

Me: arouse me with a turn of phrase
Him: (teehee)

Me:: to fall in love with a sentence
Him: no, im being childish.

Him): yea, those people have a real gift, very unique

Me): yes

Him: i.e. you
Me: People that can reach you through thousands of years, millions of miles and the barriar of culture

Me: all to send a message

Me): and it jolt you so hard

Me: you ride it like a wave, understanding, realization

Me): that's a true writer, a true speaker, a true and passionate level of communication so few can truly ascend to

Me): and no, not me

Me): never me

Me): but others

Him): you have a way with words, give it up

Me): and it dosen't even have to be intelligent pesay

Him): whether you'll admit or not

Me: you don't have to use ten dollar words or the oxford english dictionary

Me): some of the most beautiful things to fall from the human lips

Me): I've heard in the colloquial language of a region

Me): Take a look at the Deigo Shovelman, by Carl Sandburg

Me): beautiful

Me): colloquial.., Now I'm expounding way to much on this!... lol

EARLIER: The lead up to this conversation was a conversation on when Spring Break is for UIS, and stories of previous vacations.....

Me no idea

Me): last spring break I was in D.C.

Me): Cherry blossom festival and doing the legislative thing

Him): that would be really pretty

Me): oh it was sooo much fun

Me): The best part

Me): was we walked by the Potomac river at night, right near the Roosevelt memorial

Me): and there are cherry trees lining the shore

Me): and they have little lights in the walkway

Me): so they would shine really softly on the blossoms

Me): as they fell into the water

Me): it was like a silent rain

Me): the city all lit up

Me): the darkness wrapped around you

Him): wow, you should write a poem or song about it

Him): it would sound great with arpeggiated piano chords

Me: perhaps

Me): it was such an amazing experience

Me): to be caught up in the moment like that

Me): your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist

Me): both with excitement

Me): and serenity

Me): dangling your bare toes into the cool water

Him): yea, you're writing about it, end of discussion

Me): pair of heels on the shore, silky black dress, letting it all drink you in

Me): or you drink it in

Me: not quite sure

Him): either way makes sense with different meanings. thats your assignment for this week, write a poem/lyrics for it

Me): Alright then, I'll give it a try

Me): But i don't think I can do it justice

Him: you sound like you're already half way there

Me): That' not a poem

Me): that's random reminiscing

Me): Its how I think

Him: the invention from which sparks poetry

Me): perhaps

Him): its already descriptive and colorful language, take it and run with it


Who says that instant message is the lowest form of communication? I have preserved the spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes for posterity, but honestly, who can say that that is not an intelligent conversation?


-Caio ya'll,

Lady in Black

Nonsensical Notes from Comp Class

*Start transmission*

Okay then folks. I’m just going to go ahead and post this little bit I wrote in Honors Comp today. You might ask why I’m posting this. Well simple answer is, I don’t know. My mind is simply all a flurry today and not for good reasons. As such, I think I’ll be random and post my notes on my Composition blog for no apparent reason.

I could give you an entire nonsensical discourse on why I put this on the blog. I could give you a beautiful discourse I had the other night with a friend on why armadillos are better than trees, but I digress.

The point is it’s on the blog.

We don’t know why.

We don’t care why.

In all probability no one reads this crazy thing anyway and the Professor thinks I’m an insane sad excuse for a student. So why am I doing this?

To rant, to express myself and hopefully find that little scrap of sanity left in my brain after the common sense moved out and left that wonderful ‘This Space For Rent’ sign. I’m pretty sure right now there are a couple of dust bunnies looking at moving in, but we’re not sure, they haven’t made a bid and I’m pretty sure they don’t have enough for the down payment. Well with that being said: here’s my notes from today’s class.

Things I hate

Close-minded people

Sexist people

Racist People

Bad attitudes

Insensitive jerks who enjoy running over other people just because they are different

Shopping

Valley girls

Southern accent haters

People who’s IQs are smaller than their shoe size because they don’t care to work at becoming better people

Being lonely

Mental breakdowns

Hypocrites

The Cubs

Jeff Gordon

People who tell me I’m worthless

Overtly hypocritical religious zealots

Rod Blagojevich

Emil Jones

Dick Durbin

Tomatoes

People who just don’t care

My body type

That my ears don’t match

My lack of social skills

Ok this wasn’t part of the assignment, but I feel like writing a ‘things I like’ list just to balance out all the bad karma here.

Things I like

Ketchup

Helping other people

4-H /All my awesome 4-H friends

Being good at what I do

Philosophy

Networking

Learning new skills/facts

Books of all types (!!!!!!)

Rednecks (I live in a small town in Central Illinois. It’s irony. Learn to like it.)

Cowboys/girls

Farm / Ag people

Running

Business people

People involved in politics/government (notice I did not say politicians)

Wise individuals. Note: Wisdom cannot be found in a text book or on a college campus and is not always found with age. Wisdom is found through understanding.

Good teachers/ professors who love their jobs despite the grossly unfair pay

Cars

Money (Hey, I ain’t gonna lie. I like money. That’s why this is an ‘I like’ list instead of an ‘I love’ list.)

Being valued as a person/friend

Counseling people/listening to their troubles/offering advice

Public Speaking (!!!)

Writing (!!!!!!!!!!!)

Manners/Decorum/Honor

Diversity

My incredibly strange and often mysterious way of thinking

DOCUMENTARY:

I feel I should write my reaction to this documentary as I watch it. Yes I know it’s biased. But just the fact that this hits really close to home for me. I mean I COME from that area of America. I AM that. My father is a truck driver, my mother is a part time secretary. I mean, I UNDERSTAND what these people are talking about. Gosh darn it all, this is all too familiar.

You know as I think about this, I wonder how many people in this room right now have actually had a parent lose a job. How about a parent who is the main breadwinner for the household? I honestly wonder that. I don’t mean it reproachfully, I mean it as an honest question. Does this documentary ring as true for others as it does for me?

How do you stand up for yourself? How on earth do you do it when you can’t stand on your own two feet as it is? You can’t afford to do anything? You can’t go to college, you HAVE no opportunities. You can’t do anything? How do you escape?

Huh?

You can’t, oh well…. Ok.

You are a prisoner of the system. Walmart does kill communities. But how can you get out?

I want to fight for the underdog! Gosh darn it. This movie is biased against Walmart, I know, but honestly this ignites that little passionate fire in me. Especially when they start talking about worker’s rights. I eventually would like to end up in labor relations or labor law as an attorney. I know it’s a dangerous job for those in the legal profession, but its something I have always had a great passion for: standing up for people.

Note: Inspiration for nonsense provided courtesy of the following brilliant blogs

http://race-08.livejournal.com/

http://o-the-insanity.blogspot.com/

Since no one reads this thing anyway, I thought I’d go ahead and tell you that I didn’t copy anything from the above mentioned blogs, these are two very close friends of mine. You can see the influence of ‘random writings’ they have exerted on me….

End Transmission

*static*

ARRRGGGG! Why can't anyone just give me a straight answer?!

Alright, so this post has no literary or written value besides the fact that I have to say something about what has just happened. Again, don't read this, I beg you, I am simply going to rant to let off steam.

I am a MC3 student here on campus, one of nine students on campus who participate in a program where Americorps pays us to do volunteer work in the community along with giving us an educational award. Now, I was all geared up for this. I was ready, I have volunteer opportunities a plenty around this area because, obviously I live only twenty minutes from Springfield and the fact that I'm an incredible networking agent. Needless to say, I was stoked, excited, ready to run as I knew what I was doing and I knew I could do it WELL. Then the bomb shell comes approximately 15 minutes ago. This entire time I was told that M3C students get paid to do this volunteer work, ok, I get it. I was pleasantly surprised when I was told this information because I was all worried about finding a job. (For those of you who don't know, I am paying college on my own. No parental help, no loans etc. I'm doing this on scholarships I have won and I intend for this all to be on me, as it should be.) Anyway, so I stopped looking for a job after I found out about this. Naively thinking that oh, I'm going to be fine now because I'm going to be getting minimum wage for volunteering. I have enough connections in the community that I could find enough volunteer work to keep me busy for a long long long time.

But now, the bombshell. Of course, things always go wrong. To quote someone else "Duh." Now I'm told that because I didn't take federal work study I cannot participate in the program. I WAS NEVER TOLD THIS!!! So now I've wasted an entire month which could've been spent finding a job. This really really worries me now because I've got to try and find a job with even less time now.... Great... I know I shouldn't be worried, I should just calm down and trust in the Lord to take care of me. However, this is very hard to do for someone such as myself who is such a spendthrift and inherently fiscally conscious. *Sigh* This just completely throws off my wonderfully orchestrated schedule. I suppose that IS the purpose of this though... to screw up my schedule and subsequently my day for today....

Oh well...

I guess this just means I go back to the overloaded schedule I had BEFORE coming to college... nice... stressful... back to good ol' antisocial, workaholic, living I see.

The Spider

My mother asked me to go outside to turn the filter on our swimming pool tonight. Grudgingly, I slipped on my tennis shoes and flipped on the porch light and went out to complete the chore. As I stepped outside, I first looked up to see that the dark sky held only clouds and one low flying helicopter instead of it's usual menagerie of stars. Sighing at the clouds that covered the moon, I bent to my task of turning on the filter.

After fulfilling my mission, I turned to go back into the house when I noticed a movement near the far post of our porch. Curious, I took my hand off the door knob and walked over to investigate.

There, suspended between the white post and the top edge of the roof, was a spider web and the largest garden spider I had seen in a long while. The arachnid seemed oblivious of me, and was in the process of placing the spiraling 'sticky' strands on its web. I stood there and marveled at the spider as it worked: there had to be at least twenty or thirty spirals in this already gaping web. Yet, its craftsman kept up a blistering pace as it 'tip toed' from each of the smooth anchor strands to lay more of the trap.

Intriged, I skipped inside and took a flashlight out to inspect more of this masterpeice. As soon as I shined my light upon the spider, however, I instantly regretted it as it retreated to the middle of the web. Apparently my 'backyard artist' was not willing to allow me to watch its handicraft anymore. Still, I studied the web for a few minutes longer.

I changed my position to look from the opposite side of the web, and view the underside of my spider. Its chelicera and spinnerets flickered in agitation, or so I suppose it was agitation, when my spotlight returned to it. Suddenly, a moth, attracted by my flashlight, flew into the web. In a flash, the spider was upon it and began to try to capture it. It was both strange and familiar to see the fluttering wings of the moth fighting against the long, thin appendages of the garden spider. Unfortunately for the spider, the moth broke free at the last possible moment and flew off. A meal would have to wait.

"Not tonight, my friend." I whispered to the spider and shut off my flashlight.
I took one last long look at the web and went back inside the house.



(This is a randmon note.... but... well... isn't it funny what God has us stop and look at? Such small things have such incredible thought put into them, do they not? Perhaps I am crazy (for I know I am insane..) but sometimes one thinks about things for the sake of admiring our creator's handiwork and how we fit into the scheme of things.)