I'm such a messed up, disgusting excuse for a human being...

Why the h-e- double hockey sticks do I continue to do this?! This is my fault. I can't understand because i am so deeply rooted in both sides of the ideals. It is impossible for me to understand how anyone can possibly live thier life thinking that ....

I'm sorry, ok?

I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry it seems. I hurt people it seems.... because they can't understand why I think the way I do. I'm thinking too much... and I know why I am. It's because I've come out of that haze they call 'normal' thinking for a while because the artificial happiness that I live in is no longer shrouding me, at least for a little while.

I wish it were physically painful. Oh how that would feel so much better.

I don't want pity, I don't deserve pity. I've never deserved even the slightest glance from any of you.

I am eternally grateful to all my friends, for even the smallest gesture can mean the world to me. I cannot understand why you persist in hanging out with me. My social skills are nil, I can be quite naive when it comes to innuendo, and I come off as cocky even though I don't mean to in the slightest. How? Why? And then I pull crap like this, where I completely lose it for a little while because I feel so lost except for that tiny thread tying me to God. I have to rationalize things... and things like friendship can't be rationalized. I can't understand it.... I love it, but I feel so undeserving. You try, you all do. But I'm an idiot, and no matter how many times you tell me, I still can't believe that I am worthy. There is no way for me to believe it.


Heck this is stupid, but I'm going too do it anyway. Friends are a gift, a gift I equate to Jesus Christ dying on the cross and spilling his blood to wash away my sins. That's how incredible I turn that gift out to be, and how much of a sinner I am, undeserving of Jesus' gift and also undeserving of your gift.

I'm not weak, I promise I'm not! I'm just sick of the thoughts in my head. They echo and swirl out of control... dang it.. this is my own dratted fault....

O, the irony. I am a fixer, and I can't fix myself.

Am I a deep thinker or a random thinker? That's up to you to decide...

So I noticed today in my Oral Comm class that we have an interesting arrangement of seating. We have a 9 by 5 desk set up, but most of the girls sit on the right side of the room. There are two girls and the boys sit on the left side of the room. In between, there are two rows of desks, separating the class into two little islands. I find this interesting in an analysis of personality. you see, the right side of the room is what i call 'real girls'. You know the type perhaps: valley girl style talking, tend to wear nail polish and love to go shopping and gossip. On the left side of the room are the males and two girls. These two girls are what one might call more of 'tom boys'. One girl plays basketball for UIS. She's very pretty, don't get me wrong. She just typically speaks like a guy, more rough voice and the usual ephemisms. She always has to come to class right after practice, too so she's typically very athletic looking in a hoodie and warm ups or some such. The other girl is very quiet, tends to sit and doodle and is always in the very front row. I find her to be attentive, but not the same as the girls on the other side of the room, thus her fit with the 'male' side. Now I am not saying these girls are always tomboyish, but in the division of the classroom, there's an obvious division between the two groups of students.

There are at least two rows of empty seats between the two groups. This is a rather obvious gulf, mind you. Interestingly, I chose to sit in this middle ground. I sit in the empty row in the middle towards the right side of the room. Originally I chose the chair I sit in because A: I am a creature of habit and need a 'home base' of operations, and B: it is a green chair, and I love green, it reminds me of 4-H. (If you don't know what that is, you need to message me immediately because 4-H is a huge part of me and reasonably this blog....) Tghis resonates with me as I do consider myself sort of 'in the middle' when it comes to gender roles. For instance, I have a great love of cars, trucks and horsepower in general bu I am also a ball room dancer. I am one big contradiction really. I consider myself a renaissance woman: I do a little bit of everything.

I'm a passionate speaker, an intellectual and leader. I'm also a poet a seamstress, and affectionate and loyal friend. I'm a a classically trained pianist and a classically trained domestic. I know how to get a stain out of almost anything, my sewing portfolio includes two civil war ball gowns constructed from scratch and my culinary skills have always been well received by my guests. So? What's the big deal you may be asking. Well, I'm also a huge fan of NASCAR, enjoy conversations on politics and debating world views, I hunt and fish, and I have a love affair with technology (despite sometimes being rather inept.)

Heck, even my career path is one dominated by men: government and law, anyone? My closest friends are mostly of the male persuasion, saving a few females that are like myself and also renaissance women of sorts. So why are my confidants and comrades typically male? Well... most girls tend not to like me much. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I attribute most of their dislike to my rancor for clothes shopping, love of knowledge, and continuous, steadfast and voluntary lack of a boyfriend. (Honestly, women that think they need a man to be 'cool' or 'successful' or whatever they think is truly pathetic... No offense to all my boys out there who read my blog, but I know YOU guys don't like dependant females, so I think I'm safe.)

So now this begs the question "What am I?". I would ask, " Who am I?" but i know the answer to that one already.

The other day someone told me that I'm "basically a long haired guy". I took great offense to this comment, because I do not wish to be seen in that light. I consider myself a lady, and wish to be treated as such despite some of my more masculine interests. Most of my friends realize this and acomodate it most effectively. I have specific issues with this I think because of the environment in which I have been raised in. My father is VERY sexist and has pushed me very hard to be 'the best', while at the same time I feel he has tried to prescribe to me two different roles. Perfect example was that at 11 years old I took my hunter's saftey education course and enjoyed hunting with my father. (Mind you, my father is a very hard man, i still love him so, but he's very hard to connect with on anything so this was a grand opportunity for me.) However, when I turned 15 I was not allowed to go hunting anymore as my father deemed it inappropriate for me. Another prime example is the HUGE fit he threw when I took small engines for 4-H this past year. His words were something along the line of 'why would a girl want to know anything about that *@&#'. Anyway, I won't go much deeper into that relationship as this is a graded blog for a class, but I think some of you have at least an idea of what I'm getting at. I'm sort of a blend of both gender roles I guess. They say that women are the gatherers and men the hunters, that classic sexist ideal. However, I debunk that myth so much in being all that I am. I am a true, just and loyal protector and gaurdian. I am both fragile and strong. I am both confident, and insecure. I am a contradiction. But I feel that my friends would say that they like having me around. That despite my many contradictions, that they enjoy my company and the relationship they have with me. I'd like to think that at least. I'm never all that boring, mind you, what with the spectacle I am.

As I say, I am not hard to please, just impossible to understand...


But then, maybe you aren't meant to understand me, no matter how much I may want to be understood. Maybe that's just part of being me. Ahh... too many maybes... too much philosophy for one day eh? All from the green chair in COM 111.. funny how my brain works eh? Am I really a deep thinker, or just a random one?


Ciao ya'll,

Lady in Black

I wish this comic was true....

http://xkcd.com/150/

I wish frame two was the honest truth.


I would so much prefer goal oriented learning right now to this perscriptive learning I've been receiving...

The Potomac River at Night: National 4-H Conference 2006

(A shoddy attempt at my poetry assignment from the IM conversation... it's a work in progress...)


We walked by the Potomac at night,

Right outside the Roosevelt memorial.
There were cherry trees lining the shore,
and a winding concrete sidewalk with tiny little lights in it
So that they would shine softly on the blossoms
as they fell into the water
like a silent rain.

The city was all lit up.
and the darkness wrapped around us
Gazing out
We could see the white marble of the Jefferson Memorial
illuminated like some roman temple
and the lights of civilization,
Mixed with that of the stars,
dappling the water.

To be caught up in a moment like that
Your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist
both with excitement and serenity
Dangling your toes in the cool water,
a pair of heels on the shore and my black silk dress
Leaning back on my hands that rested in the shadowed green grass
Business suits and formal finery
Ties loosened and pulled off or worn at a jaunty angle
Somebody, not with us, has lit a cigarette and sat down beside us on the grass.
Acrid smoke, somehow comforting, and another pair of eyes looking and wondering

Letting it drink you all in
Or you drink it in.
I'm not quite sure which it is.

Conversations on writing...

A friend of mine and I having an Instant message conversation on writing... I happen to do a rather long discourse on what writing is to me and I thought it might give the readers of this blog a better understanding of my grand affair with words...

Me): I tend to marvel at words and how they hold power on us

Me:: rhytym of words

Me:: taste of words

Me: roll them around in your mouth like a fine wine kind of words
Him: you havent even had wine, haha

Him: ah, im just teasin, thats not the point, i kno

Me:: true

Me: but I have a worshipful view of language

Him): true

Me: I love people who can describe

Me:: speak well

Me): paint me a picture

Me: arouse me with a turn of phrase
Him: (teehee)

Me:: to fall in love with a sentence
Him: no, im being childish.

Him): yea, those people have a real gift, very unique

Me): yes

Him: i.e. you
Me: People that can reach you through thousands of years, millions of miles and the barriar of culture

Me: all to send a message

Me): and it jolt you so hard

Me: you ride it like a wave, understanding, realization

Me): that's a true writer, a true speaker, a true and passionate level of communication so few can truly ascend to

Me): and no, not me

Me): never me

Me): but others

Him): you have a way with words, give it up

Me): and it dosen't even have to be intelligent pesay

Him): whether you'll admit or not

Me: you don't have to use ten dollar words or the oxford english dictionary

Me): some of the most beautiful things to fall from the human lips

Me): I've heard in the colloquial language of a region

Me): Take a look at the Deigo Shovelman, by Carl Sandburg

Me): beautiful

Me): colloquial.., Now I'm expounding way to much on this!... lol

EARLIER: The lead up to this conversation was a conversation on when Spring Break is for UIS, and stories of previous vacations.....

Me no idea

Me): last spring break I was in D.C.

Me): Cherry blossom festival and doing the legislative thing

Him): that would be really pretty

Me): oh it was sooo much fun

Me): The best part

Me): was we walked by the Potomac river at night, right near the Roosevelt memorial

Me): and there are cherry trees lining the shore

Me): and they have little lights in the walkway

Me): so they would shine really softly on the blossoms

Me): as they fell into the water

Me): it was like a silent rain

Me): the city all lit up

Me): the darkness wrapped around you

Him): wow, you should write a poem or song about it

Him): it would sound great with arpeggiated piano chords

Me: perhaps

Me): it was such an amazing experience

Me): to be caught up in the moment like that

Me): your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist

Me): both with excitement

Me): and serenity

Me): dangling your bare toes into the cool water

Him): yea, you're writing about it, end of discussion

Me): pair of heels on the shore, silky black dress, letting it all drink you in

Me): or you drink it in

Me: not quite sure

Him): either way makes sense with different meanings. thats your assignment for this week, write a poem/lyrics for it

Me): Alright then, I'll give it a try

Me): But i don't think I can do it justice

Him: you sound like you're already half way there

Me): That' not a poem

Me): that's random reminiscing

Me): Its how I think

Him: the invention from which sparks poetry

Me): perhaps

Him): its already descriptive and colorful language, take it and run with it


Who says that instant message is the lowest form of communication? I have preserved the spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes for posterity, but honestly, who can say that that is not an intelligent conversation?


-Caio ya'll,

Lady in Black