Why the h-e- double hockey sticks do I continue to do this?! This is my fault. I can't understand because i am so deeply rooted in both sides of the ideals. It is impossible for me to understand how anyone can possibly live thier life thinking that ....
I'm sorry, ok?
I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry it seems. I hurt people it seems.... because they can't understand why I think the way I do. I'm thinking too much... and I know why I am. It's because I've come out of that haze they call 'normal' thinking for a while because the artificial happiness that I live in is no longer shrouding me, at least for a little while.
I wish it were physically painful. Oh how that would feel so much better.
I don't want pity, I don't deserve pity. I've never deserved even the slightest glance from any of you.
I am eternally grateful to all my friends, for even the smallest gesture can mean the world to me. I cannot understand why you persist in hanging out with me. My social skills are nil, I can be quite naive when it comes to innuendo, and I come off as cocky even though I don't mean to in the slightest. How? Why? And then I pull crap like this, where I completely lose it for a little while because I feel so lost except for that tiny thread tying me to God. I have to rationalize things... and things like friendship can't be rationalized. I can't understand it.... I love it, but I feel so undeserving. You try, you all do. But I'm an idiot, and no matter how many times you tell me, I still can't believe that I am worthy. There is no way for me to believe it.
Heck this is stupid, but I'm going too do it anyway. Friends are a gift, a gift I equate to Jesus Christ dying on the cross and spilling his blood to wash away my sins. That's how incredible I turn that gift out to be, and how much of a sinner I am, undeserving of Jesus' gift and also undeserving of your gift.
I'm not weak, I promise I'm not! I'm just sick of the thoughts in my head. They echo and swirl out of control... dang it.. this is my own dratted fault....
O, the irony. I am a fixer, and I can't fix myself.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
you are not a messed up disgusting excuse for anything, least of a human being. often we tend to see the horrible within ourselves and we refuse to see what is good about us. you have to try to see the good in you before you can believe it. if enough other people tell you how wonderful you are you must believe that they are seeing something that you are either missing or ignoring. you are wonderful. it is there within you, all you have to do is look for it.
I've never seen or heard of you hurting anyone.
Physical pain isn't any better. Trust me.
I just don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life because you can't find a rational reason for wanting to be happy. It's not a rational thing.
You don't need fixing.
Post a Comment