Some things never change ... (a running commentary)

I know it'll never change.

People in this house cannot deal with frustration, any obstacle thrown in their way earns a roll of the eyes, a 'huff' of breath or rising temper.


No one can say anything nice to another.

The other day my mother fell, my father laughed, and proceeds to make fun of her for it. At first it was mildly funny, how many people do you know can fall flat on their face on a completely flat surface like the floor found in Best Buy? But the incident concerns me more. It means she has lost coordination or something is wrong medically.

Plus, isn't that sad too that your significant other can't say something kind to you? That's something my father cannot fathom. Why would I condescend to say something comforting? Something kind? Something uplifting? Perish the thought....

When I first received the phone call about my $20,000 scholarship last fall, when Mother told him the news, the first words out of his mouth were: "Well, how're you going to pay for the other $60k". That was pretty much it. Lit the flame under me like no other. Anger and sadness are good motivators for me. Especially anger. You don't tell me I can't do something. Cause not only will I prove you wrong but I'll beat your a double s and then some.


There they are again. Could you not be so screeching and loud? Some of us would like to preserve our sanity.

Complaining, ahhh how it grates on my nerves. Even when someone tries to do something nice. If one person in this household has a bad day, everybody has a bad day. Ignite a temper, and you'll be paying he** all day. Even when someone tries to help with something, they don't do it right and it has to be done my way, without even honoring the gesture.

Mother apparently refuses to realize the effect her temperment in responding to many of these situations has on my sister and I. We subconciously take cues from her. If she begins to become distressed, I respond by trying to remain calm and cool headed, while underneath I'm raging and boiling as well. Seething is a better word. I like that word, don't you?

I remember one time in Jr. High we had a very.... volatile class member. Should he become violent, it was asked that I try and calm him down. Why? Apparently the last time something happened, the teacher in the room thought I did a remarkable job of keeping my cool, and also, the class member in question always responded well when I talked to him. He was never a bad guy, never ever. He just had one heck of a bad home, and life had handed him a bad hand off the bottom of the deck. I always told him I thought he'd be something great, because out of all of us he had the most to overcome and for that reason would climb to success much higher than the rest of us. I don't know whether he ever believed me, but I always loved talking to him, I still don't understand why he was such a scapegoat of the class. Many of the things he did he couldn't control, part of it was the Touretts Syndrome he had: tapping repeatedly in class, foul language etc. It never really bothered me because I knew that it wasn't a voluntary thing, some of it was conditioning from his home. He always treated me very nicely, considered me a real lady. I, in turn, could do no less than afford him the same respect. We generally talked about music, he was a drummer and me with my piano. We both held a healthy respect for hard rock, and he taught me a lot about how just trying to understand people on their level can be invaluable in being a leader.

The real pretty popular girl of my class, she loved to pick on him. I don't understand why, he was never a threat to her. He just wanted to be happy and have friends. But in a small school, one person can take you out pretty easily by turning the rest against you. You have to learn to play the game. I guess that's a life lesson, eh? But something like that, after 12 years.... well it can turn you bitter on life in general if you aren't careful.

Gyah.... For cryin' out loud folks, is that really such a big deal?... mehhh... just please stop... this can be dealt with without so much turmoil...

I function much better when by myself. For instance, registering for college would have been INSANELY smoother had my Mother not been there. She makes me nervous sometimes just because she tries so hard to be ... whatever it is she's trying to be. I pity her too... she's not got much in the way of friends. She certainly doesn't go out to eat with friends, or shopping or any of that normal stuff. But then, neither do I... I am just now really getting into that sort of thing with my friends now that I'm in college. I think part of it has been that for years and years and years I was my Mother's best friend. I still am in a way, I don't dislike the job. But I think venting to me as a much younger child made me grow up too fast, and it has caused for me to be very confused on how I should act and what is appropriate. But then, everyone needs someone to talk to right? I guess that's not a fair argument. Besides, as I say, I've passed that stretch of highway, and I can't go back and fill in the potholes. That would be pointless.

So I'm looking at the road of Winter Break. I'm not seeing much I like. This Saturday will really be the climax so to speak. It could go mildly bad or really really really really really bad. I can see some pretty bad scenarios, several of which involve the police... I pray it doesn't turn to that. I'd rather just leave with some hurt feelings and this new found self-pride of mine a little bruised.

Oohhh Holidays... how I despise thee. I'd much rather have sunshine, nice country road before me, pair of shoes on my feet and running on and on just total relaxation while still striving to be better. Snow isn't very complementary to running. It tends to break bones and cause hypothermia :). Ah well, there's always some light strength training....

Although I must admit I am one for a snowball fight, so playful. I would like to be playful, but I feel so sucked of all my positive feeling... My cynicism has come back full strength, lately it's abated slightly for being hopeful. Bah... hopeful.... how cliched.

I know it'll never change

But can't I try to change it all the same?

What's wrong with being hopeful?

What's wrong with caring?

Breaks your heart, they say.

It'll drive you insane, they say.

Huh, how lucky I answer,

I'm already insane.

Already there to stay.





Lady in Black, ever yours always....