So....


Do you know what happens when you mix bleach and ammonia?


...

.....
...........



Don't try it.

I feel neglected, used, like a piece of trash. I despise this.

I want to push away people I know care about me very much, but my mind continues to think of all the ways they could hate me and hurt me.

I am an object, something to be used and thrown away.

I don't want to be around anybody, I want them to go away and leave me alone to hurt by myself in my room in the dark. I just crawl into the farthest corner of my bed and turn off all the lights and pretend someone is there to hug me and take care of me. But no one's really there.

And no one wants to be around someone who is always negative and depressed. But I can't stop it, and I refuse to continue constructing artificial happiness. I hate that more than I hate anything, the fake happiness.

I want to know what I've done wrong. I know I'm very sorry for what I've done, I must be if this is my punishment. I'm tired of waking up almost screaming or on the edge of tears I don't dare ever let fall. I'm tired of being strong all the time, of being on top of things. Can't someone else be the hope please? If only just for a little while?






love in return, that is all that I ask... - Labeau

Overflowing Random Praise

God is amazing. He gave me:

• incredible friends

• the gift of life (cause one without the other is just no fun)

• an extraordinary boyfriend/ninja/guitarist
• spectacular speaking and writing skills
• love of leadership and service
• a sense of honor
• an affection for learning
• really cool, albeit strange, blue eyes
• a fully functional, awesome fleshy thing they call a body
• scholarships. Enough said.
• Ability to live on my own
• the ability to care about other people and their happiness
• Challenges to keep me interested
• books. Again, enough said.
  
• good, conventional, conservative taste in fashion.
  
• a job/money
• admiration of young and old
  
• Ability to rise above all challenges
• emotional and mental maturity
• Concern for all humanity
• good health
• access to the internet and a laptop!!!
• Indiana Jones
• 4-H
• light
• darkness
• birds at evening
• soft, warm blankets
• Road trips
• rainy afternoons
• flashlight tag at dusk
• State Fair days... enough said.
  
• NASCAR
  
• 
  

I can't list everything... cause I'm thankful for everything.

The good, the bad and the inbetween.... cause goodness, otherwise life would be so boring!




amen, amen... baby, amen!





See you later Space Cowboy

Menu for a Picnic

When I was younger, I used to day dream about planning grand parties or gala events. I am a bit of a little organizer I'm afraid, and it was always fun to do when I wasn't questing for Aztec gold or playing Lieutenant in an underground federation of government rebels in my backyard.

I would often sit thinking about the sort of dishes I would serve or the decor or the guest list or the occasion itself. I've always been fond of formal events (not proms or dances like in High School, bleh... those aren't formal at all...). I enjoy awards dinners, and would have loved being a debutante or some such. I guess I like the pomp and circumstance of it all.... well that and the fact that I own some very elegant clothing I hardly ever get to wear and I often crave an excuse. I'll admit, dressing up in some classy black or red dress or even business wear makes me feel much better about my body image. Why? Well... It definitely gives me an air of extra confidence, expertise and authority along with the fact that I don't look half bad at all if I do say so myself.

But I suppose I'm getting off track. You see it's simply such beautiful weather I have the strong urge to make a picnic dinner for my friends. I know exactly what I'd make too. I have this strange domesticity to me, you see. I can sew, cook, clean and get just about any stain you mention out of your clothing. My mother combined with my experience in the 4-H program has taught me much about the culinary arts, not to mention the fact that my father hunts and I can prepare most game you care to mention. So for sure I'd make some honey chicken tenders, made in the oven but they taste like they've been fried because of the trick of adding 1/4 cup of vegetable oil to the breading. The breading itself is actually cornflakes, Italian bread crumbs and 2 tablespoons of honey. To go with that, I'd make my Aunt Hazel's clover leaf rolls (Shameless 4-H symbolism...) that are so fluffy and light its nearly a crime to put any butter on them, not that you'd want to anyway. Then I'd have havarti, amish cheddar (the only way to go), edam and gouda cheese with pieces of venison summer sausage set out with grape tomatoes and olives (black of course, who eats the green ones? Ick..) for people to just take as they please. Now, I also have a great fondness for spring greens in my salad. Baby spinach is good and all... but nothing can beat lots of baby argulua, baby butter lettuces, endive, radicchio with the off brand low fat italian dressing from Shop n' Save...mmmmmmmmm.... Don't ask. For dessert... well... I'm always partial to jonathon apples and loads of fresh apricots, grapes and cherry tomatoes (for my guests, I abhor tomatoes personally...) Of course, for those who prefer something with a little more weight to it.... I will of course provide my mother's famed devil's food creme cupcakes.

But where to have a picnic? Well, about two years ago my 4-H club went tubing on Lake Springfield (for those of you aqquainted with the... toxicity of our lovely local lake, ... you may understand the apprehension in such an act...) and had a picnic lunch. It was my first time ever swimming in a lake and my first time ever going tubing. It was very enjoyable, but I especially enjoyed the spot we had because there were many trees, a little point that jutted out into the water really. You could walk out onto the tip of the peninsula and look down and tell how deep it was from the dark color of the water. It would have been nice to go fishing too.

I would like very much to gather all those I consider a friend and give them a splendid picnic in this nice weather. I would like to feed them good food, play around until it gets dark and then jam on guitar around the fire at dusk.

That's so cliched.... good lord. But truth is, I haven't been able to do that much at all... in fact I can count the occasions where I've done such a thing on one finger. But I love doing things for people, and dash it all, that would be fun! Of course, it's no Charity Ball, or awards dinner, or business luncheon I like to dress up for on occasion, but I can honestly say it'd be just as memorable.


Feeding people is an amazing thing. The U.N sends food to third world countries and disaster zones all the time. Something about food is a bonding experience. That someone else, could give you something good to eat, merely because they wish to further strengthen and honor the bond they have with you. In the case of the U.N., that bond is the bond of a brotherhood of human beings(Mind you, that's a highly idealized reasoning). The desire to see someone else, simply because you share the same blood and bone beneath all that flesh of different color or mind of different thought. The dinner table is the great equalizer. Where all can come together and be filled, physically and mentally.

I have great admiration for the Chinese people. They never ask "How are you?" They ask "Fàn chī guò le ma? " which translates as "Have you eaten?" They want to know if you've eaten, so they can feed you more if they can. Food = happiness in many countries where food is scarce. And because of this, all the food is put in the middle of the table and shared. Shared sustenance and shared happiness, shared thoughts over food: politics, news of the day, musings and ideas.

I wonder if we made all the people in power, no matter whether it be government or a business or, heck... even school boards (!) I wonder if we made them eat dinner together while they hold their meetings if that would improve the communication or level of empathy between sides. Hmm... what if they held trials during dinner? Wow... the defense would always win if the defendant and his lawyer were talking to the jury while they were eating dessert... Just kidding!


Well I suppose that's enough musing for today. If you can't tell I was a little hungry while writing this myself, so I think it's time for some pretzels or something to tide me over.


Hey, Hey good lookin'
What ya got cookin'?
How's about cookin' something up with me?




See you later Space Cowboy...

I wonder what the birds sound like somewhere else, in other countries. I love the birds of evening here. My home shall always be Illinois, the plowed earth against the hues of an evening sky: orange, shades of magenta and deep purple fading. Black trees against a midnight blue in the distance as I hear my familiar midwestern birds. The black capped chickadees have thier strange phoebe call and my mourning doves of the late evening with their lovely cooing. Then there is the crackling caw of my big burly guardians in the murders of crows hanging about the fields. The great lilting honk that rises in an almost questioning tone if you listen long enough comes from the Greater Canadian geese found throughout campus and the field hunts of my childhood. But also in the evening you have the wonderful fiesty fighting sounds of twittering juncos that always make me feel like I could go on an adventure in the woods. Perhaps I could become Sam Gribley once again and find a great old hemlock tree to live in, eh? That would be the life... I've always wanted a pet falcon.

Speaking of birds of prey, there happen to be two or three owls that live on campus, as you can tell because the trees are 'whitewashed' where they have been roosting. Plus it is always easy to tell an owl call (especially the widespread Great Horned Owl) by the always recognizable 'hoooo...hooo". If we had barned owls it would scare the bejeezies out of you because it is a screeching call like some demonized dragon in minature form... right scary sounding it is if you aren't expecting it.


Well... I'll continue my discourse on birds later... but I do wonder....


what does evening sound like somewhere else?

My Prewriting for my CAP Interdisciplinary Research Project.

*Warning!* The following prewriting is inherently unorganized, random and may be offensive to some readers. DO NOT attempt to read thinking there is some point.


START:

So immediately when I saw this paragraph from the prompt :

Assignment Description:

This linked project has several parts which will span the final weeks of the course. The Interdisciplinary Research Project (IRP) is a collaborative assignment on a selected theme from the topics in CAP 121. Based on your research topic and interests, you will be teamed with 2-3 colleagues with which you will work closely for the remainder of the semester. The class schedule details the time allotted for each phase of the project. In selecting a research topic, consider what you have learned about the Multiculturalism and its influence on American culture, politics, and values. Here is a list of broad themes to guide you in choosing a topic:

Immigration and Assimilation

Media and Cultural Representations

Belief and Spirituality

Gender and Sexuality

The last part grabbed me and said… ohhh… you could go for broke and really ask some solid questions about sexuality since we dealt with it earlier in the class when reading the Toni Morrison novel. You could ask what is the concept of virginity look like in America today? And what is its meaning and value? What is it that historically makes it wrong for women not to be virgins but men shouldn’t be ones. And what about what is virginity and how the term has changed. Then you could turn that around and ask those questions of African American females and how that affects their 'worth' in society, considered they already have two strikes of being 'black' and 'female'....

Orrrrr… if I didn’t totally want to go for shock and awe considering I do have to make a presentation on this and I may not want to be that gutsy, I could always go for the Belief and Spirituality card by asking questions like (and since I am ‘highly encouraged’ but not required to connect this to my previous assignments *grroowwwlll*) …. Lost it.. stupid distracting side discussions in class...

Ok… so what about looking at the multiculturalism of Barack Obama (Half black/half white anybody?) and seeing how that affects his popularity between whites and blacks in his voting base…. Plus the fact that he has Hussien in his name… that whole thing… and he’s a Christian… he’s one walking contradiction. Charming man though, god love him…he claims he’s not too many years far removed from middle class America as he and his wife were once struggling law students themselves… not long off at least… but I feel that excuse dosen’t cut it because of the fact that true middle/working class Americans mostly haven’t gone to college, let alone law school…. Difference there that’s huge… but whatever.. Oh... and there's the fact that he was raised by his white grandmother... how did that atmosphere/environment affect how he is seen by black voters?

Multiculturalism and its influence on American culture, politics, and values.:

Straight from the prompt… hmm.. You know I really think Barack could be an icon for that statement, use him as a magnifying glass...but perhaps not…it’s so clichéd….and I do hate being clichéd… But then.. I suppose a lot of people could be used in a similar fashion to look at such an idea…

They want me to use the image I used for my VRA to continue where I’m going with this project… ick.. no fun… don’t want to do it! Bill Bojangles Robinson and African American Film History doesn’t speak multiculturalism to me... I suppose it could... but I'm not feeling it right now. I feel like I could do more with this.

"Constructed Blackness"

8 Mile: Main character is more accepted among black community than white community. But then that cannot be argued in a way because of the ‘White Trash’ moniker

Malcolm x

Spike Lee’s Bamboozled.

School Days Spike Lee’s

The Boondocks

Is Black race…. Or is it a ‘state of mind’? Is Black how you act, how you talk, how you dress,etc. or is it your history, the color of your skin, your ancestry?

How white males construct ‘blackness’ in order to confirm their manhood.

Look at sales of ‘rap brands’ i.e. music, clothing etc. and sales in suburbia or to white consumers

Ex. Eminem is more black than some actual ‘black’ people I know.

Black individuals ‘acting white’ and their acceptance in the black community.

And that folks is my prewriting thus far...


Special thanks to one very cool and talented former Professor for his advice and help in locating sources and giving some much needed life to my ideas for my CAP project... You are incredibly helpful and I bow before thy greatness.



See you later Space Cowboy...

I need to get out of my house.

I need to get out of my house. Spring break has simply proven once again that I need only spend a few days, let alone hours with my family before I start to regress from confident individual to subservient daughter once again. I'm tired of this. I'm sincerely thinking of getting an apartment on campus from June 1 to July 29 according to housing contracts. By the time that contract would be up I would be living on the fair grounds anyway in time for state fair and after State Fair I would return to live in the new dorms (grrr). One thing is for sure however, when I wake up this morning and start asking questions in my head again (Why can't you be in a good mood for once? Why do you have to guilt me into everything? Why can't you trust me? Why can't you be kind to one another? Why do you have to make me feel bad about my body?) That's when I realized, you were right. When I'm away, I try to pretend its ok. That its no big deal: they are my family and I need time with them. That's true. But not enough time to make me regress to less and more unstable of a person than I was before. That's what Spring Break has done, and this is getting ridiculous. I won't stand for insults, I won't stand for this ridicule and I'm tired of my views meaning nothing unless they agree with what is standard in this house. I won't do it any longer. I've never done anything wrong, I've always been very good. My wall is literally, littered with awards, I'm paying for college on my own, and I always do as I'm told. Well now I'm realizing that quite a bit of my obedience to my family is what has me unhappy. Because what makes me happy is markedly different from what makes each of them happy.

So I'm going to try. Because I'm tired of being this way: sad, self-concious, sometimes lonely and sometimes violent on myself. I honestly do want to get better and be happy. I just have to stick with my choices, be bold and deal with what heck comes down on me as a result.


Carry on.


See you Space Cowboy....