Someone else's writing from a Runner's World discussion board post..

This was posted on Runner's World.com discussion board. This post spoke to me and completely reflects some advice I was recently given. I wish to share it so that others who also posses this 'disease' may be cured. You have no idea what it is like to equate worth with beauty and the havoc it wreaks upon your mind until you have run until you have bled, beaten yourself for doing your best and felt shame for allowing tears to fall when you are hurt. I say a prayer for all of us who suffer from ourselves, our society and the fear and pain projected onto us simply because we are not perfect.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

One of my close friends is walking precariously close to the edge and I am afraid that any warning I shout or any abrupt move I make to reach out to her will startle her and cause her to tumble.

My friend is one of those girls. By this, I mean she is so startlingly beautiful that people do a double take just to make sure they don't know her from some magazine. She is fit (a great runner) and sexy and fresh and stunning. She stands out in a crowd. Usually women like this are off-putting to other women, that old jealousy thing, but something about my friend makes her beauty a magnet instead of repellent. Initially it might be a bizarre form of curiosity, like, is this woman really equally pretty on the inside? Once you realize that her beauty goes all the way through, curiosity turns into comfort and there you are. Lucky to be in her good company.

Except for one, hopefully short-lived, problem.

She doesn't see herself this way. Someone said something negative to her that should have come off in the wash, but it stuck. It somehow set off a chain reaction of other long-buried mines of doubt and delusion. And now it's like someone has replaced her mirror with a circus fun house mirror and she can't see anything clearly anymore.

Everyone can relate. It's like the sad hostility, the PMS feeling of trying on ten different things while trying to get ready to go somewhere, all of them insufficient and stifling. Everything feels unflattering, but the only useful thing to change is our perspective, not our outfit. But no one can hear that when they are in their closet with their clothes in a heap, clock ticking, time to go or else be late.

I run with my friend, listen to her, pray with her, pray for her. But I can't make her see herself the way everyone else sees her, especially God. Why do we do this with our beauty? We stuff it, warp it, minimize it, starve it, berate it, and then wonder where it goes. I know that she will one day be a 70 year old woman who comes across a photograph of herself from this era and she will weep as though seeing this woman for the very first time. She will weep for time lost, for days spent worrying about nothing and time spent chasing something that she possessed all along.

And so here I stand, on the periphery of my friend's sadness. I wish I could use my creativity for her healing...paint her, sketch her, describe her with words, illuminate her from the inside out, so that she could finally see. Or run with her, so far and so fast that everything false would be burned as fuel.

Our culture breeds such insecurity, it runs rampant across our femininty, taking hostages in its wake. Let's run counter to it, circle 'round the other way, surprise it, take our people back.

Perfection is overrated. It's a difficult thing for a perfectionist to say, especially when you look at yourself in the mirror and can't find anything beautiful or lovely about yourself. It's a war waged daily, the struggle to confirm we are worth something, anything at all. Truth is, lame as it sounds, the only weapon to combat such a battle is to look at ourselves and past those around us. Love who you are, and others will love you back. It may take a while to find the right people to love you, but they're out there alright. They're out there.



See you later Space Cowboy....


Lady in Black

A good day.

I am mildly content right now. Tis a very nice feeling to know that you are 'kinda a big deal' to certain individuals on this earth. I enjoy just having fun occasionally. It's very nice indeed.

Yesterday I had a grand time with a certain ninja guitarist who shall remain nameless. We hiked in Lincoln Memorial Gardens for a good part of the morning. I love hiking, but unfortunately this meant we had to stay on these little trail/path things, which rather defeats the purpose of exploring, but oh well. Following this, we went to Starbucks where we witnessed a man of intriguing raiment. This gentleman of four and twenty was dressed in a black t-shirt with a construction company logo, tight blue jean capris with a clip on chain that stretched past his knee, a backwards baseball cap crested with white preppy girl's sunglasses and to top it all off, the piece de resistance, bright pink crocs. This man may have been very nice, but his attire was very humorous to my companion and I.

The rest of the day was filled with sitting in the rose garden at Washington Park beneath a large tree listening to the deftly woven threads of music that emanated from guitar and voice of my charming consort. I haven't the foggiest how much time was spent on a park bench just chatting or joking. But I am sure I do not care anyway. After all, deep conversation is most entertaining when it comes from the wood scented lusty melody of an afternoon fading into dusk.

Today my day was spent wrangling 35 head of children ranging in ages from calves to half grown cattle. Feeding and occupying such a range of ages is often difficult to do, and very tiresome if one doesn't have the patience. I normally posses such patience, but sometimes this store can be exhausted by the infidels of the playground: tiny terrorists who are repeat offenders before my bench. Fortunately one of the heads of this terrorist cell is off to Church camp tomorrow, meaning that the attacks of hitting, kicking, tattling and throwing rocks shall subside for now.


Alas, tis time for me to part dear reader. I am on a mission to obtain a 'rockin' little body' so I can run in the Turkey Trot 5k this fall. So I must go out and train, as well as procure vittles.





See you space cowboy...

Well, there goes the ball game...

Things I have (re)discovered since being home:

• I have no privacy
• Things don't change
• Always remember to be on your toes
• You MUST have a reason for anything you do. (I.e., Going somewhere, wanting something, doing anything etc.)
• People don't give a care
• Money is all that matters.

I feel like an absolute convenience case, and I hate being isolated, which is what I am again.

This sucks.



Now, for a slightly positive praise:


Thank goodness for slightly more regular sleep and food. I still have trouble sleeping, but I am back to my usual grazing. I eat little bits throughout the day rather than sit down and eat a full meal. Some say its better to eat that way, my mother frowns on it. Oh well.

The bad news is I fear for my weight now more than ever. I think about my weight a lot. Trying to maintain it at a healthy level is a constant worry.

Also on the brightside is that I have a job that is supposed to give me about 40 hours a week now. However, though I was considering getting another job, my mother is really pushing me to get a job for weekends or nights. I was already considering this, but I feel indignant at this coercion. I've never been anything but hardworking and 'picking up a few extra hours' for me will more than likely mean further isolating me from any semblance of a social life. I feel like that my life is meant to be comprised of work and school and that is it. Perhaps so...

Nonetheless, I am going to find my own way, or at least try to. I don't care if i struggle, that's what makes life worth while.



Dear Lord, thank you for the good, the bad and the in-between. Because without it Lord, life would just be so boring.








Cheers mate,


Your Lady in Black

So....


Do you know what happens when you mix bleach and ammonia?


...

.....
...........



Don't try it.

I feel neglected, used, like a piece of trash. I despise this.

I want to push away people I know care about me very much, but my mind continues to think of all the ways they could hate me and hurt me.

I am an object, something to be used and thrown away.

I don't want to be around anybody, I want them to go away and leave me alone to hurt by myself in my room in the dark. I just crawl into the farthest corner of my bed and turn off all the lights and pretend someone is there to hug me and take care of me. But no one's really there.

And no one wants to be around someone who is always negative and depressed. But I can't stop it, and I refuse to continue constructing artificial happiness. I hate that more than I hate anything, the fake happiness.

I want to know what I've done wrong. I know I'm very sorry for what I've done, I must be if this is my punishment. I'm tired of waking up almost screaming or on the edge of tears I don't dare ever let fall. I'm tired of being strong all the time, of being on top of things. Can't someone else be the hope please? If only just for a little while?






love in return, that is all that I ask... - Labeau

Overflowing Random Praise

God is amazing. He gave me:

• incredible friends

• the gift of life (cause one without the other is just no fun)

• an extraordinary boyfriend/ninja/guitarist
• spectacular speaking and writing skills
• love of leadership and service
• a sense of honor
• an affection for learning
• really cool, albeit strange, blue eyes
• a fully functional, awesome fleshy thing they call a body
• scholarships. Enough said.
• Ability to live on my own
• the ability to care about other people and their happiness
• Challenges to keep me interested
• books. Again, enough said.
  
• good, conventional, conservative taste in fashion.
  
• a job/money
• admiration of young and old
  
• Ability to rise above all challenges
• emotional and mental maturity
• Concern for all humanity
• good health
• access to the internet and a laptop!!!
• Indiana Jones
• 4-H
• light
• darkness
• birds at evening
• soft, warm blankets
• Road trips
• rainy afternoons
• flashlight tag at dusk
• State Fair days... enough said.
  
• NASCAR
  
• 
  

I can't list everything... cause I'm thankful for everything.

The good, the bad and the inbetween.... cause goodness, otherwise life would be so boring!




amen, amen... baby, amen!





See you later Space Cowboy

Menu for a Picnic

When I was younger, I used to day dream about planning grand parties or gala events. I am a bit of a little organizer I'm afraid, and it was always fun to do when I wasn't questing for Aztec gold or playing Lieutenant in an underground federation of government rebels in my backyard.

I would often sit thinking about the sort of dishes I would serve or the decor or the guest list or the occasion itself. I've always been fond of formal events (not proms or dances like in High School, bleh... those aren't formal at all...). I enjoy awards dinners, and would have loved being a debutante or some such. I guess I like the pomp and circumstance of it all.... well that and the fact that I own some very elegant clothing I hardly ever get to wear and I often crave an excuse. I'll admit, dressing up in some classy black or red dress or even business wear makes me feel much better about my body image. Why? Well... It definitely gives me an air of extra confidence, expertise and authority along with the fact that I don't look half bad at all if I do say so myself.

But I suppose I'm getting off track. You see it's simply such beautiful weather I have the strong urge to make a picnic dinner for my friends. I know exactly what I'd make too. I have this strange domesticity to me, you see. I can sew, cook, clean and get just about any stain you mention out of your clothing. My mother combined with my experience in the 4-H program has taught me much about the culinary arts, not to mention the fact that my father hunts and I can prepare most game you care to mention. So for sure I'd make some honey chicken tenders, made in the oven but they taste like they've been fried because of the trick of adding 1/4 cup of vegetable oil to the breading. The breading itself is actually cornflakes, Italian bread crumbs and 2 tablespoons of honey. To go with that, I'd make my Aunt Hazel's clover leaf rolls (Shameless 4-H symbolism...) that are so fluffy and light its nearly a crime to put any butter on them, not that you'd want to anyway. Then I'd have havarti, amish cheddar (the only way to go), edam and gouda cheese with pieces of venison summer sausage set out with grape tomatoes and olives (black of course, who eats the green ones? Ick..) for people to just take as they please. Now, I also have a great fondness for spring greens in my salad. Baby spinach is good and all... but nothing can beat lots of baby argulua, baby butter lettuces, endive, radicchio with the off brand low fat italian dressing from Shop n' Save...mmmmmmmmm.... Don't ask. For dessert... well... I'm always partial to jonathon apples and loads of fresh apricots, grapes and cherry tomatoes (for my guests, I abhor tomatoes personally...) Of course, for those who prefer something with a little more weight to it.... I will of course provide my mother's famed devil's food creme cupcakes.

But where to have a picnic? Well, about two years ago my 4-H club went tubing on Lake Springfield (for those of you aqquainted with the... toxicity of our lovely local lake, ... you may understand the apprehension in such an act...) and had a picnic lunch. It was my first time ever swimming in a lake and my first time ever going tubing. It was very enjoyable, but I especially enjoyed the spot we had because there were many trees, a little point that jutted out into the water really. You could walk out onto the tip of the peninsula and look down and tell how deep it was from the dark color of the water. It would have been nice to go fishing too.

I would like very much to gather all those I consider a friend and give them a splendid picnic in this nice weather. I would like to feed them good food, play around until it gets dark and then jam on guitar around the fire at dusk.

That's so cliched.... good lord. But truth is, I haven't been able to do that much at all... in fact I can count the occasions where I've done such a thing on one finger. But I love doing things for people, and dash it all, that would be fun! Of course, it's no Charity Ball, or awards dinner, or business luncheon I like to dress up for on occasion, but I can honestly say it'd be just as memorable.


Feeding people is an amazing thing. The U.N sends food to third world countries and disaster zones all the time. Something about food is a bonding experience. That someone else, could give you something good to eat, merely because they wish to further strengthen and honor the bond they have with you. In the case of the U.N., that bond is the bond of a brotherhood of human beings(Mind you, that's a highly idealized reasoning). The desire to see someone else, simply because you share the same blood and bone beneath all that flesh of different color or mind of different thought. The dinner table is the great equalizer. Where all can come together and be filled, physically and mentally.

I have great admiration for the Chinese people. They never ask "How are you?" They ask "Fàn chī guò le ma? " which translates as "Have you eaten?" They want to know if you've eaten, so they can feed you more if they can. Food = happiness in many countries where food is scarce. And because of this, all the food is put in the middle of the table and shared. Shared sustenance and shared happiness, shared thoughts over food: politics, news of the day, musings and ideas.

I wonder if we made all the people in power, no matter whether it be government or a business or, heck... even school boards (!) I wonder if we made them eat dinner together while they hold their meetings if that would improve the communication or level of empathy between sides. Hmm... what if they held trials during dinner? Wow... the defense would always win if the defendant and his lawyer were talking to the jury while they were eating dessert... Just kidding!


Well I suppose that's enough musing for today. If you can't tell I was a little hungry while writing this myself, so I think it's time for some pretzels or something to tide me over.


Hey, Hey good lookin'
What ya got cookin'?
How's about cookin' something up with me?




See you later Space Cowboy...