In response to another's blog...

This is in response to a post found at the blog Curt's Mind

Amen!

I shudder to think of some of the awful things people do in God's name, but then I see all the truly good things people do for the same reasons. [BEGIN OFF TOPICNESS] As some of you may or may not know, I was raised a Southern Baptist, but I practice Christianity distinctly differently. I believe in a personal relationship with God, and most of my worship, prayer etc is done between God and I. I study the bible, I interact in religious discussions with others (both of and not of the same faith) and try to live the way I think God would want me to live. I do not regularly attend a church, persay. I like to attend several different institutions for a variety,because I do not feel comfortable, nor do I feel like I gain anything from the 'group' environment many churches provide. This is not to say I lack any faith, mind you, I'm very solid on that. If you really know me, you're aware of that fact.

I'm rather interesting I think, because I tolerate other faiths or lack thereof very well. I have no problem with you if you are Jewish, Islamic, Shintoist, Wiccan, Atheist, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, Protestant, Hindu, I really don't think it should affect how i treat you as another human being. How i treat you, and how I relate to you will be based on factors like how you treat me, how you react to those around you and (heaven forbid, I'm so old fashioned...) your manners. I have friends in many diff religious or non religious schools of thought. I like this, it makes thinking more interesting to have that many influences. Many Christians may look at this and go, "Oh my gosh! Well, as long as you're not too good of friends with these people...". I have a very interesting response to this. It includes a story.

At my high school there was a girl in my class who's family was considered very 'model christians'. They went to Church Wednesdays and Sundays, very active in their Church, very charitable when opportunities to donate came up. I think that's all very well and good, but actions do not a Christian make in my eyes. It's what's in your heart that matters. As corny as that sounds, I believe it with every shred of my being. Although I do believe these people had accepted Jesus Christ as their lord and savior, which I also believe is necessary for being a Christian, I don't think they were quite getting the message God wanted them too. You see, they were very... close minded. This girl in my class, she continually harassed two other of my classmates who were catholics, whenever we would have religious discussions. All the rest of the time, she'd be cool with them, but when it came time to mount the soapbox, she did it with much gusto and much rancor. I detested this. Why treat them that way, how are you being an example for your faith if you treat others this way? There were other things that happened that exampled this as well, but i won't go into it.

My point is, how does anybody expect other people to respect or even join your way of thinking, your faith if you behave irreverently to other faiths or beliefs? Hmm? That irreverence and snideness that you may treat one person with may be the only memory they will ever hold on to of someone from your faith. "That stupid Southern Baptist girl..." "Those Jehovah Witnesses that always come to your door are always so..." "I can't believe that Islamic kid said that..." Honestly, think about it! What do we all think of when we hear 9/11? Islam/Muslims, right? Duh... Now, I'm NOT saying Islamics are by any means terrorists, AT ALL. But what I am doing is proving the fact that "First impressions last the longest" especially when it comes to concepts of others beliefs. Is it right? I don't think so... But then, that's up to you to decide, isn't it dear reader?


But then all of this brings me to my original thoughts on the post from Curt's Mind...


I have the tendency to drift off in thought and contemplate things at sometimes inopportune moments, and sometimes this contemplation brings m e to the most depressing train of thought on the motives of humanity. Are we all necessarily vile, base creatures? What is the concept and capacity for any human to recognize and understand it's fellow man? Why is it that when a hurricane strikes Louisiana there is an outpouring of goodwill but half a world away where there is ten times the destruction by an earthquake in a foreign country we do not have the same amount or more sympathy for those people? Shouldn't we be just as sympathetic, just as likely to empathize with all humans, all our fellow man?

This concerns and confuses me. I understand and yet I don't.

I've made the argument before that when something like Katrina happens it's closer to home, and its your fellow countrymen. But that should be debunked just as easily. I've never met any Katrina victims. Why should I be more sympathetic to them than I should those victims of the Indonesian quakes? I try playing the countrymen card too, but why should the fact that we are all from the same country tie us? Bah... one can argue nationalism in that case.. sentimental 'bs' so to speak... But at the same time don't we need that sentimental stuff? Doesn't that make you a country? Ah... but I'm getting away from my own original thought. Why are we more likely to be sympathetic to some then others? I understand yet I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm a relatively tenderhearted person. I don't like to see anybody unhappy, in pain, or struggling. I'm a helper, a fixer, a PERFECTIONIST. God save me, I am. But this question is one I can't answer, how sad...

I'm very fond of the song Count Your Blessings. Have you ever heard it? If you read the lyrics it makes a lot of sense. Aside from the blatant religious connotation, What I'm talking about is making sure you remember all the cool, awesome oppotunities you have in life when things are going badly. I think we don't do enough of that. I'm guilty of that I think. I 'm guilty of lots of things. I'm by NO MEANS the person I want to be yet, but I'm getting there. Among those things I want to work on is being thankful for what and who I have in my life. I have all sorts of cool things, but so many don't have them. I really should be more thankful, and less COMPLAINING. I have a big thing about that... i hate complaining but i do so much of it... ahhhh..... Working on it, working on it.. .*nod nod*

In a touch of finality, i guess I can only do as the author suggests: pray the sun comes up every morning so I can thank God for a beautiful new day and hold tight to those I love cause I know they may not always be there. That may sound achingly sad to you, but not to me. I have all the hope in the world. I don't care if it's raining, grey, windy, blue skies, if there's a war, there's a hurt, there's a struggle or a challenge. It's still a beautiful day cause I'm still breathing and able to live it.




Who am I you ask?

I'm the Lady in Black.




Later Space Cowboy...

Wrapping paper + tape + sicssors = chaotic living room or death by sharp objects?

Objex hehehe... that's a fun way to spell objects.

I have a jacket someone gave me to fix a zipper on. But it is such a nice leather jacket, and it smells very nice too... mmmm I think I will not give it back... hehe :) Nah, I'll give it back after I fix it... well...eventually... maybe this summer...

You know, I make a lot of strange little sounds when I am happy or comfy or annoyed:

Meh meh - Could be just a 'filler' to say or could be used to express annoyance or confusion. When used in statement of confusion, usually accompanied by tilt of head, said to resemble a puppy or other small animal when this occurs.
"You should go left here.." "Meh meh? *tilt of head*"

Eeeee! - Usually an expression of excitement. As in "Eeee! Look! A frog!"

Chirps - Chirps or small high pitched noises that are sometimes screechy occur when very excited or cannot contain happiness. Usually heard when something new and unexpected happens.

"Oh my GOSH! The new Artemis Fowl book is out! *insert chirp here*" or " *Insert chirp here* I just got off the phone with Maria Arnold, they want me to come out to D.C. and serve on the Design Team!"

Growling - the expression of grrrr or other growly noise is meant to show good natured displeasure or annoyance. Usually displayed around those I show great affection for. Sometimes accompanied by a gentle hit to the head for retribution for whatever comment.

"Grrr.. Josh stop messing up my hair! I will have the shoelaces!" or Person A: "You're such a dork. *hugs*" Response: "Grrr..."


Squeaking - Squeaking is just that: squeaking, it sounds a lot like when you have a baby chick and they make the little 'peep' sound. Often when snuggling or cuddling or in any position where warm, comfy, and safe. Usually accompanied by random comments of dubious origin.

*squeak and snuggle* "I like ketchup. The end."



So, I'm sitting here wrapping Christams gifts for my family and watching Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe trying to figure out what to fix for dinner and how to do a power point presentation for a 4-H workshop I'm presenting... I have discovered that scissors are excellent pointy objects for cutting oneself when one is not paying attention to what one is doing. I have also discovered that I need a picture for the YLT slideshow still and I have made no effort to having it taken. I have talked about it, yes, but done anything? Of course not! Praise the procrastinator because it is he who shall inherit the earth... eventually........


It's is cold and melty and wet out. I have a divine urge to go run, but that is a bad idea as slush plus my uncoordination will most likely result in injury. Although, in a way that would be convenient you see as I have a doctor's appointment coming up... oh well...


Tra la la, lira lira lay.. you know I say that awful lot, it's actually from Sherlock Holmes in the last paragraph of The Adventure of the Red Headed League.

Hmm, I should probably retrieve the mail.... but I feel no desire to...

I have virtually accomplished nothing, I keep on getting distracted.

I need reading material. Fun reading material besides the typical manga or webcomic. I desire a NOVEL!!! Michael Crichton perhaps or even better, Dracula, or Twenty Years Later from Alexandre Dumas.


Surely surely, I say unto you, scissors and tape shall breed mass unrest among you, for they are instruments of the demise of our sanity.


I shall return to my wrapping, and cleaning of the house, and fixing of dinner and working on of great presentation. Jan jien*!


*Chinese for 'See you later!'

This post was brought to you in the style of Joshua T. Frank, cheers mate!

Some things never change ... (a running commentary)

I know it'll never change.

People in this house cannot deal with frustration, any obstacle thrown in their way earns a roll of the eyes, a 'huff' of breath or rising temper.


No one can say anything nice to another.

The other day my mother fell, my father laughed, and proceeds to make fun of her for it. At first it was mildly funny, how many people do you know can fall flat on their face on a completely flat surface like the floor found in Best Buy? But the incident concerns me more. It means she has lost coordination or something is wrong medically.

Plus, isn't that sad too that your significant other can't say something kind to you? That's something my father cannot fathom. Why would I condescend to say something comforting? Something kind? Something uplifting? Perish the thought....

When I first received the phone call about my $20,000 scholarship last fall, when Mother told him the news, the first words out of his mouth were: "Well, how're you going to pay for the other $60k". That was pretty much it. Lit the flame under me like no other. Anger and sadness are good motivators for me. Especially anger. You don't tell me I can't do something. Cause not only will I prove you wrong but I'll beat your a double s and then some.


There they are again. Could you not be so screeching and loud? Some of us would like to preserve our sanity.

Complaining, ahhh how it grates on my nerves. Even when someone tries to do something nice. If one person in this household has a bad day, everybody has a bad day. Ignite a temper, and you'll be paying he** all day. Even when someone tries to help with something, they don't do it right and it has to be done my way, without even honoring the gesture.

Mother apparently refuses to realize the effect her temperment in responding to many of these situations has on my sister and I. We subconciously take cues from her. If she begins to become distressed, I respond by trying to remain calm and cool headed, while underneath I'm raging and boiling as well. Seething is a better word. I like that word, don't you?

I remember one time in Jr. High we had a very.... volatile class member. Should he become violent, it was asked that I try and calm him down. Why? Apparently the last time something happened, the teacher in the room thought I did a remarkable job of keeping my cool, and also, the class member in question always responded well when I talked to him. He was never a bad guy, never ever. He just had one heck of a bad home, and life had handed him a bad hand off the bottom of the deck. I always told him I thought he'd be something great, because out of all of us he had the most to overcome and for that reason would climb to success much higher than the rest of us. I don't know whether he ever believed me, but I always loved talking to him, I still don't understand why he was such a scapegoat of the class. Many of the things he did he couldn't control, part of it was the Touretts Syndrome he had: tapping repeatedly in class, foul language etc. It never really bothered me because I knew that it wasn't a voluntary thing, some of it was conditioning from his home. He always treated me very nicely, considered me a real lady. I, in turn, could do no less than afford him the same respect. We generally talked about music, he was a drummer and me with my piano. We both held a healthy respect for hard rock, and he taught me a lot about how just trying to understand people on their level can be invaluable in being a leader.

The real pretty popular girl of my class, she loved to pick on him. I don't understand why, he was never a threat to her. He just wanted to be happy and have friends. But in a small school, one person can take you out pretty easily by turning the rest against you. You have to learn to play the game. I guess that's a life lesson, eh? But something like that, after 12 years.... well it can turn you bitter on life in general if you aren't careful.

Gyah.... For cryin' out loud folks, is that really such a big deal?... mehhh... just please stop... this can be dealt with without so much turmoil...

I function much better when by myself. For instance, registering for college would have been INSANELY smoother had my Mother not been there. She makes me nervous sometimes just because she tries so hard to be ... whatever it is she's trying to be. I pity her too... she's not got much in the way of friends. She certainly doesn't go out to eat with friends, or shopping or any of that normal stuff. But then, neither do I... I am just now really getting into that sort of thing with my friends now that I'm in college. I think part of it has been that for years and years and years I was my Mother's best friend. I still am in a way, I don't dislike the job. But I think venting to me as a much younger child made me grow up too fast, and it has caused for me to be very confused on how I should act and what is appropriate. But then, everyone needs someone to talk to right? I guess that's not a fair argument. Besides, as I say, I've passed that stretch of highway, and I can't go back and fill in the potholes. That would be pointless.

So I'm looking at the road of Winter Break. I'm not seeing much I like. This Saturday will really be the climax so to speak. It could go mildly bad or really really really really really bad. I can see some pretty bad scenarios, several of which involve the police... I pray it doesn't turn to that. I'd rather just leave with some hurt feelings and this new found self-pride of mine a little bruised.

Oohhh Holidays... how I despise thee. I'd much rather have sunshine, nice country road before me, pair of shoes on my feet and running on and on just total relaxation while still striving to be better. Snow isn't very complementary to running. It tends to break bones and cause hypothermia :). Ah well, there's always some light strength training....

Although I must admit I am one for a snowball fight, so playful. I would like to be playful, but I feel so sucked of all my positive feeling... My cynicism has come back full strength, lately it's abated slightly for being hopeful. Bah... hopeful.... how cliched.

I know it'll never change

But can't I try to change it all the same?

What's wrong with being hopeful?

What's wrong with caring?

Breaks your heart, they say.

It'll drive you insane, they say.

Huh, how lucky I answer,

I'm already insane.

Already there to stay.





Lady in Black, ever yours always....

A Myriad of Music

As I am looking though my YouTube account today, I am noticing a pattern: there is not pattern. I am completely all over the map when it comes to musicality. Today, a certain ninja who shall remain nameless, gave me a large amount of music. He is attempting to 'expand' my musical horizons so he says, however I would like to say with the example of my YouTube account, I am already quite open minded. My listing on YouTube includes:

Disturbed - Down with the Sickness
Saliva - Ladies and Gentlemen
Internatinal Staff Songsters - Count Your Blessings
Tyrone Wells - Looking at her Face
Rush - Xanadu
Rise Against - Prayer of the Refugee
Garth Brooks - Wrapped Up In You
Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville
Eagles - Tequila Sunrise
AC/DC - Back in Black
Led Zepplin - Kashmir
Yoko Kanno - Piano Bar
Rodney Atkins - About the South
Metallica - Fuel
Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
Creedence Clearwater Revival - Looking Out My Backdoor
Avenged Sevenfold - Seize the Day
Chris Thomas King - Hard Time Killing the Blues
Evanescence - Going Under
Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight, Tonight
Quiet Riot - Cum on Feel the Noise
Chris Rice - Go Light Your World
10 Years - Wasteland
Celtic Woman - The Prayer
T.M. Revolution - Heart of the Sword
Billy Joel - And So It Goes
Declan O Rourke - Sara
Luke Bryan - All My Friends Say

I'd like to explain a bit too if you don't mind. You see, I was raised on country music. Every sunday I'd ride in the car to church (We go to church in a different county than the one I live in, thus the drive was about half an hour.)listening to the tail end of a classic country western radio show and then on to NASCAR USA. That's right ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't quite figured it out I am a redneck: proud of it too. NASCAR USA usually profiled the 'newer' country of the day, with artists like Vince Gill, Alan Jackson, Martina McBride, Kenney Chesney, Toby Keith and the like. We did not purchase music at my house, CD's were usually a christmas gift, and I typically asked for something like Toby Keith, Charlie Daniels or something. Since I am also a pianist of sorts, I was also greatly influenced by the material I played. My instructor for my eight years of piano lessons was an older lady who lived in town. She played for all the graduation ceremonies and for the Methodist Church on the square. Obviously, my influences there was lots of old hymns, Brahms, Bach, Chopin, and other classical composers as well as many obscure modern composers. I enjoyed playing Beethoven especially, he had such a verve, even if he was deaf the last half of his life. However, classical and country does not a renaissance woman make, and I consider myself a renaissance woman for sure. So as I began high school I began to tinker with the dial on the radio...

What's this? What's this? So loud, so vivacious so wonderfully strong! I had discovered the greatness of hard rock. As I became a runner, I found hard rock was a god send in getting my blood pumping and focusing my resolve, rock became a release. I adore artists like Avenged Sevenfold, Papa Roach, Distrubed, Breaking Benjamin, HIM, Candlebox and Seether. Lyrics can speak just as well in a rock song coming out in a near scream as can be phrased by any country crooner. Rock speaks to my soul I think, while Country works on my ideals. Perhaps that's not fair to say... but for now I suppose...

Rock, country, classical? Is that all? That's what you may be asking. Ah my dear reader, of course not. I do enjoy the music of my parents as well: Lynyrd Skynrd was my first delving into the subject, then Pat Benatar from my mother's record collection as well some wonderful Ted Nugent and Pure Prairie League. World music is also really fun, especially japanese bands. I love to listen to the Seat Belts and anything by Yoko Kanno, T.M. Revolution, and Toy Box. Then there is a true product of World music, my amazing peeps from The Pocket Band! Oh yes! A fusion of reggae, jazz and blues. IT"S AMAZING. They performed at the 2007 John Deere Leader's Academy (Which yours truly helped plan! great experience, and all the guys are super nice!). Please check out their incredible music at www.thepocketband.com


Well that's just scratched the surface of what I like. That's not even counting the many performers in the area or around the country I've seen through my involvement with Extension. The Puerto Rican 4-H Performers at National 4-H Congress : AMAZING! You guys need to get a video up pronto! Also, a huge shout out to my 4-H boys in Deleware of the band SoundBreak, keep up the great work and turn out a website so I can post ya'll!

If you'd like to see a bit of what I listen too here are the above mentioned in a special 'Mix It Up' Playlist courtesy of YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=425DE0965B609A84



Don't you just love technology?


Sincerely, but not merely, musically yours,

Lady in Black

Finals week...

Oh goodness.... do I feel awful, I am not up to par so I'm not even going to attempt to be my usual somewhat cognizant self....


So far the week of finals has not been a good one. A: I can tell I'm getting sick. B: I'm sleep deprived. C: I don't eat on a regular schedule anyway... D: ummm..... nevermind...

I am random at the current moment. I have decided to dedicate this evening to the attempt to relax and possibly some sleep here in a little while.

I am positively scatterbrained of late. I positively CANNOT focus. This is not simply procrastination. Everytime I attempt to focus on the task at hand, the list of things still yet undone floats to the top of my head and I begin planning what next I need to do. It frustrates me to no end...

Especially when I was attempting to finish my spanish test and I blanked every five seconds because my ridiculous brain could not stop trying to figure out when x, x, and x were going to get done...

Then I had to rush to dance lessons that night because class ran late, and I couldn't figure out how to get to the Hoogland center for a while because where I normally turn at the rail road tracks was blocked off. I was too the point then that I was about ready to just give up. It took me more than a little patience and some attempts to calm my self down mentally before I finally figured out how to get there. Then once I arrived the first dance I do is the Crystal Schottish: the one stupid set i can't figure the rhythm on.... how pathetic. But after a while, we moved on to the Lanciers which I infinitely love to dance, so that was slightly better.

Earlier that night some guy who lives a floor up for me somehow got wind that I might have an extra poster board (?). He came down to try and buy one off of me, but as I told him i didn't have an extra, he looked so sad and forlorn that me and my big mouth offered to pick his group up one after my dance lesson. So what do I do when I am stressed and don't feel well? I cannot say no....

So that was how I found myself at Wal-Mart on Dirksen at roughly 9:30 pm last night, searching out a poster board and since I had not eaten that day yet, I found something to eat as well. (However this was not one of my better ideas as it did not stay down very well and made for a rather dismal night anyway.) I then had to rush back to LRH to meet with the only member of my poster group who gave a flippin' care to piece together our poster. God love the girl, but it took entirely too long to paste everything on the board. We had to print out the other group member's paragraphs because the majority of them were last minute submissions that had to be hunted down and choked from them. Group projects quite plainly suck, I have bad luck in that i am usually the one left holding the bag because I actually CARE about my grade. Anyway, it took entirely too long to put together the poster than it should have. We went from 10:30 to 12:30, when in reality, since I had everything as far as pictures printed and cut out, it should have been more like a thirty minute, fourty-five minute ordeal. But, it looked good so that's all that matters I suppose....

From then, I slept for a while then woke up because the girls on the side of the hall opposite me were banging on the doors again. I swear, can people in this building not be quiet?! I cannot sleep in this place. I wish I had my own apartment (which is cheaper than a dorm, amazingly) so that it could be quieter, and I could have Chelsea, Josh, Jason, Brad and Chris over when ever I please. I also would be afforded some privacy and I could decorate as I like.

Today's poster session was .... meh.. in my opinion. As the other group members hadn't the foggiest as to what was going on they mainly wandered and did evaluations of other groups, while leaving myself and the other girl to explain our poster. Again, God love the girl, but she has entirely too soft a voice and she, like myself, was a bit miffed on how to explain the project. I mean, what was the purpose? How is this educating anyone? Why? What is the goal being achieved. I need some goals to even out my education here, I need something to set a target on, to aim for. Yes I am ending a sentence with a preposition, got a problem with that? I am tired and thus care not for your english grammar grumblings.

Right now I am exhausted, I still feel pretty crummy, but I don't have the energy to go work out to make myself feel better. It feels like more and more I'm just plain tired. It really bothers me as I feel like that's part of the reason why I'm not achieving like normal. The other part would have to be my general discontent with my college education in general. My dislike of the CAP program seems to grow daily, I feel as though I am getting jipped. However, at the same time, I am loathe to give away the silly little title of 'Honors Student'. How stupid. But then, I suppose, dear reader, if you have seen the walls of my room, you'd know why I like to be the 'Honors Student' and why I value success so highly.

I abhor winter. Why is it so cold? Hmm? Spring, Fall are preferred in my book and Summer is ok, but honestly... winter? grrr....


I feel like I am complaining. I despise complaining. It make me feel bad about myself and makes me feel weak. I am not weak, and I am not a complainer. I shall stop this blog post, but hopefully it will be enough to appease one of my dear readers.


I end with this.


The shoelaces shall be mine.


God bless ya'll

Time to get serious.

I'm making no excuses for myself. I don't think that this semester has shown what I can do as a student.

This truly and sincerely bothers me as I care A LOT about my grades. School is the be all to end all for me. Straight A's or die, perfecion must be achieved. I know it's not possible, but I still can try can't I?


It's the end of the semester, when people traditionally slack off. I am not one of those people, traditionally. I normally have a verve and drive and love for school that most find at least a tad bit strange.

I'm finding that love is fading fast, and I need a way to revive it. I still have the drive to succeed mind you, but its the love and enjoyment I found in my work previously i am not finding now. To circumnavigate that love is to remove the personality and fire I have always brought to things I am passionate about.

So why the loss of fire? Where'd the burning go? The flame's still kindled for the ultimate goal, but the air is stagnant on the little everyday goals to get there.

I think I'm being lazy... which is positively awful! I despise that!

I also think that my trouble in concentrating and my disinterest in most assignments partly stems from the fact that I'm actually having fun on a regular basis now where as that was like an 'every three months' kind of thing before. I think this is important to mention, as I'm afraid I might have an addiction to fun... (Stop laughing Josh, I know you are reading this and laughing.) I'm very serious you see. Previously I wasn't allowed out, I didn't do your typical high school things. I didn't go to basket ball games, I didn't 'hang out' after school, I didn't go out on friday or saturday nights. I worked after school, I had a million commitments as an officer of such and such or leader of such and such or I did home work and chores like a good little girl is supposed to. Which isn't bad by any means really. I love my leadership involvement, it is something I am very passionate about, I love where I worked (SAFE Place After School Program, only place where you get payed to tutor kids, play checkers, get beat at soccer and receive free hugs and adoration on a daily basis) and school is very important to me. But I also feel sorta jipped. There are so many experiences, so many fun things I wish I could have done or would have been allowed to do. For the most part I denied even wanting to have 'fun' because it would be bothersome to someone and wouldn't be productive. Then my wonderful 4-H friends. (God love and bless ya'll.) They came and started 'kidnapping' me every once in a while to do normal things. The first time I had ever been to a movie with a friend was last year. First time I was allowed to stay out past midnight? Roughly four months ago. There are certain things expected of me that aren't expected of others. I've been acting like a mini adult since I was 11 years old, and it's starting to be a pain. Now I won't go into all of it as that would be rather redundant to the primary readers of this blog, but I think you understand where I am coming from. I'm not trying to complain or anything, I'm trying to rationalize why I'm acting the way I am now. Sure I'm a little bitter over some things, but who wouldn't be? I guess a better person than I... but whatever...

My point being, I think I've gone without regular fun for sooo long that now it's like an addiction and almost every weekend or every week now I am spending time with people just sitting and talking about things (NOT CLASS THINGS, that's different...) or going and doing something like watching a movie or playing a card game or something. EVERY WEEK! Sometimes even twice a week! I usually have some sort of guilt after having fun or enjoying myself, as you well know my dear loyal readers, its not something I can control. I am one messed up kid my dear readers, but with friends like you, I guess it dosen't really matter anymore, does it?

So we come back to my opening thought. I think I've slacked off this semester. Bad opening to the college experience I guess. In a way, I kind of would prefer being miserable and a kick butt student rather than a mediocre student and feeling ok with things. Boy, that's a depressing statement, eh? Oh well. My point is, my grades concern me at the moment... people will probably tell me not to be concerned, but I'm used to being on top of my education in every aspect. Navigating the University system is a task in and of itself, let alone getting grades. But I make no excuses. I simply am trying to rationalize. It's certainly not right that my grades are this way, and I must confess I'm more than a little afraid at this point in the semester. Especially since half my professors don't even really post 'grades' on blackboard so I''m always confused as heck as to what my real grade is.

But I digress...

The point is:

It's time to prioritize.
It's time to calm down.
It's time to think straight.
It's time to look forward.
What's done is done.
What can change is the road ahead.
Cause I can't go back to fill in the potholes
So why waste time and energy worrying over them?

Positive attitude? Meh.... prolly not...
But let's try for at least a non-negative one.

Nose to the grindstone and pressing forward. That's the only way I can go.

Gosh dang it....

Stupid shakes...

See this is why I didn't want to come to class... if I'd just stayed in my room and waited it out I'd be fine....

meh...

oh well, too late now, it does make an interesting blog post I guess. I'm just hoping no one notices... cause explaining it is rather uncomfortable...

and I guess I'm sort of getting some of my work done



Gosh drat it....
Today's M3C meeting is going to be rather long too so says the email... dang. mmmeeeehhhh....

I tend to overload myself, and this is what I get for it. Oh well, nothing new and I'm tougher than most. One step at a time and no excuses.

I'm such a messed up, disgusting excuse for a human being...

Why the h-e- double hockey sticks do I continue to do this?! This is my fault. I can't understand because i am so deeply rooted in both sides of the ideals. It is impossible for me to understand how anyone can possibly live thier life thinking that ....

I'm sorry, ok?

I'm so sorry. I'm always sorry it seems. I hurt people it seems.... because they can't understand why I think the way I do. I'm thinking too much... and I know why I am. It's because I've come out of that haze they call 'normal' thinking for a while because the artificial happiness that I live in is no longer shrouding me, at least for a little while.

I wish it were physically painful. Oh how that would feel so much better.

I don't want pity, I don't deserve pity. I've never deserved even the slightest glance from any of you.

I am eternally grateful to all my friends, for even the smallest gesture can mean the world to me. I cannot understand why you persist in hanging out with me. My social skills are nil, I can be quite naive when it comes to innuendo, and I come off as cocky even though I don't mean to in the slightest. How? Why? And then I pull crap like this, where I completely lose it for a little while because I feel so lost except for that tiny thread tying me to God. I have to rationalize things... and things like friendship can't be rationalized. I can't understand it.... I love it, but I feel so undeserving. You try, you all do. But I'm an idiot, and no matter how many times you tell me, I still can't believe that I am worthy. There is no way for me to believe it.


Heck this is stupid, but I'm going too do it anyway. Friends are a gift, a gift I equate to Jesus Christ dying on the cross and spilling his blood to wash away my sins. That's how incredible I turn that gift out to be, and how much of a sinner I am, undeserving of Jesus' gift and also undeserving of your gift.

I'm not weak, I promise I'm not! I'm just sick of the thoughts in my head. They echo and swirl out of control... dang it.. this is my own dratted fault....

O, the irony. I am a fixer, and I can't fix myself.

Am I a deep thinker or a random thinker? That's up to you to decide...

So I noticed today in my Oral Comm class that we have an interesting arrangement of seating. We have a 9 by 5 desk set up, but most of the girls sit on the right side of the room. There are two girls and the boys sit on the left side of the room. In between, there are two rows of desks, separating the class into two little islands. I find this interesting in an analysis of personality. you see, the right side of the room is what i call 'real girls'. You know the type perhaps: valley girl style talking, tend to wear nail polish and love to go shopping and gossip. On the left side of the room are the males and two girls. These two girls are what one might call more of 'tom boys'. One girl plays basketball for UIS. She's very pretty, don't get me wrong. She just typically speaks like a guy, more rough voice and the usual ephemisms. She always has to come to class right after practice, too so she's typically very athletic looking in a hoodie and warm ups or some such. The other girl is very quiet, tends to sit and doodle and is always in the very front row. I find her to be attentive, but not the same as the girls on the other side of the room, thus her fit with the 'male' side. Now I am not saying these girls are always tomboyish, but in the division of the classroom, there's an obvious division between the two groups of students.

There are at least two rows of empty seats between the two groups. This is a rather obvious gulf, mind you. Interestingly, I chose to sit in this middle ground. I sit in the empty row in the middle towards the right side of the room. Originally I chose the chair I sit in because A: I am a creature of habit and need a 'home base' of operations, and B: it is a green chair, and I love green, it reminds me of 4-H. (If you don't know what that is, you need to message me immediately because 4-H is a huge part of me and reasonably this blog....) Tghis resonates with me as I do consider myself sort of 'in the middle' when it comes to gender roles. For instance, I have a great love of cars, trucks and horsepower in general bu I am also a ball room dancer. I am one big contradiction really. I consider myself a renaissance woman: I do a little bit of everything.

I'm a passionate speaker, an intellectual and leader. I'm also a poet a seamstress, and affectionate and loyal friend. I'm a a classically trained pianist and a classically trained domestic. I know how to get a stain out of almost anything, my sewing portfolio includes two civil war ball gowns constructed from scratch and my culinary skills have always been well received by my guests. So? What's the big deal you may be asking. Well, I'm also a huge fan of NASCAR, enjoy conversations on politics and debating world views, I hunt and fish, and I have a love affair with technology (despite sometimes being rather inept.)

Heck, even my career path is one dominated by men: government and law, anyone? My closest friends are mostly of the male persuasion, saving a few females that are like myself and also renaissance women of sorts. So why are my confidants and comrades typically male? Well... most girls tend not to like me much. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but I attribute most of their dislike to my rancor for clothes shopping, love of knowledge, and continuous, steadfast and voluntary lack of a boyfriend. (Honestly, women that think they need a man to be 'cool' or 'successful' or whatever they think is truly pathetic... No offense to all my boys out there who read my blog, but I know YOU guys don't like dependant females, so I think I'm safe.)

So now this begs the question "What am I?". I would ask, " Who am I?" but i know the answer to that one already.

The other day someone told me that I'm "basically a long haired guy". I took great offense to this comment, because I do not wish to be seen in that light. I consider myself a lady, and wish to be treated as such despite some of my more masculine interests. Most of my friends realize this and acomodate it most effectively. I have specific issues with this I think because of the environment in which I have been raised in. My father is VERY sexist and has pushed me very hard to be 'the best', while at the same time I feel he has tried to prescribe to me two different roles. Perfect example was that at 11 years old I took my hunter's saftey education course and enjoyed hunting with my father. (Mind you, my father is a very hard man, i still love him so, but he's very hard to connect with on anything so this was a grand opportunity for me.) However, when I turned 15 I was not allowed to go hunting anymore as my father deemed it inappropriate for me. Another prime example is the HUGE fit he threw when I took small engines for 4-H this past year. His words were something along the line of 'why would a girl want to know anything about that *@&#'. Anyway, I won't go much deeper into that relationship as this is a graded blog for a class, but I think some of you have at least an idea of what I'm getting at. I'm sort of a blend of both gender roles I guess. They say that women are the gatherers and men the hunters, that classic sexist ideal. However, I debunk that myth so much in being all that I am. I am a true, just and loyal protector and gaurdian. I am both fragile and strong. I am both confident, and insecure. I am a contradiction. But I feel that my friends would say that they like having me around. That despite my many contradictions, that they enjoy my company and the relationship they have with me. I'd like to think that at least. I'm never all that boring, mind you, what with the spectacle I am.

As I say, I am not hard to please, just impossible to understand...


But then, maybe you aren't meant to understand me, no matter how much I may want to be understood. Maybe that's just part of being me. Ahh... too many maybes... too much philosophy for one day eh? All from the green chair in COM 111.. funny how my brain works eh? Am I really a deep thinker, or just a random one?


Ciao ya'll,

Lady in Black

I wish this comic was true....

http://xkcd.com/150/

I wish frame two was the honest truth.


I would so much prefer goal oriented learning right now to this perscriptive learning I've been receiving...

The Potomac River at Night: National 4-H Conference 2006

(A shoddy attempt at my poetry assignment from the IM conversation... it's a work in progress...)


We walked by the Potomac at night,

Right outside the Roosevelt memorial.
There were cherry trees lining the shore,
and a winding concrete sidewalk with tiny little lights in it
So that they would shine softly on the blossoms
as they fell into the water
like a silent rain.

The city was all lit up.
and the darkness wrapped around us
Gazing out
We could see the white marble of the Jefferson Memorial
illuminated like some roman temple
and the lights of civilization,
Mixed with that of the stars,
dappling the water.

To be caught up in a moment like that
Your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist
both with excitement and serenity
Dangling your toes in the cool water,
a pair of heels on the shore and my black silk dress
Leaning back on my hands that rested in the shadowed green grass
Business suits and formal finery
Ties loosened and pulled off or worn at a jaunty angle
Somebody, not with us, has lit a cigarette and sat down beside us on the grass.
Acrid smoke, somehow comforting, and another pair of eyes looking and wondering

Letting it drink you all in
Or you drink it in.
I'm not quite sure which it is.

Conversations on writing...

A friend of mine and I having an Instant message conversation on writing... I happen to do a rather long discourse on what writing is to me and I thought it might give the readers of this blog a better understanding of my grand affair with words...

Me): I tend to marvel at words and how they hold power on us

Me:: rhytym of words

Me:: taste of words

Me: roll them around in your mouth like a fine wine kind of words
Him: you havent even had wine, haha

Him: ah, im just teasin, thats not the point, i kno

Me:: true

Me: but I have a worshipful view of language

Him): true

Me: I love people who can describe

Me:: speak well

Me): paint me a picture

Me: arouse me with a turn of phrase
Him: (teehee)

Me:: to fall in love with a sentence
Him: no, im being childish.

Him): yea, those people have a real gift, very unique

Me): yes

Him: i.e. you
Me: People that can reach you through thousands of years, millions of miles and the barriar of culture

Me: all to send a message

Me): and it jolt you so hard

Me: you ride it like a wave, understanding, realization

Me): that's a true writer, a true speaker, a true and passionate level of communication so few can truly ascend to

Me): and no, not me

Me): never me

Me): but others

Him): you have a way with words, give it up

Me): and it dosen't even have to be intelligent pesay

Him): whether you'll admit or not

Me: you don't have to use ten dollar words or the oxford english dictionary

Me): some of the most beautiful things to fall from the human lips

Me): I've heard in the colloquial language of a region

Me): Take a look at the Deigo Shovelman, by Carl Sandburg

Me): beautiful

Me): colloquial.., Now I'm expounding way to much on this!... lol

EARLIER: The lead up to this conversation was a conversation on when Spring Break is for UIS, and stories of previous vacations.....

Me no idea

Me): last spring break I was in D.C.

Me): Cherry blossom festival and doing the legislative thing

Him): that would be really pretty

Me): oh it was sooo much fun

Me): The best part

Me): was we walked by the Potomac river at night, right near the Roosevelt memorial

Me): and there are cherry trees lining the shore

Me): and they have little lights in the walkway

Me): so they would shine really softly on the blossoms

Me): as they fell into the water

Me): it was like a silent rain

Me): the city all lit up

Me): the darkness wrapped around you

Him): wow, you should write a poem or song about it

Him): it would sound great with arpeggiated piano chords

Me: perhaps

Me): it was such an amazing experience

Me): to be caught up in the moment like that

Me): your heart being squeezed in a phantom fist

Me): both with excitement

Me): and serenity

Me): dangling your bare toes into the cool water

Him): yea, you're writing about it, end of discussion

Me): pair of heels on the shore, silky black dress, letting it all drink you in

Me): or you drink it in

Me: not quite sure

Him): either way makes sense with different meanings. thats your assignment for this week, write a poem/lyrics for it

Me): Alright then, I'll give it a try

Me): But i don't think I can do it justice

Him: you sound like you're already half way there

Me): That' not a poem

Me): that's random reminiscing

Me): Its how I think

Him: the invention from which sparks poetry

Me): perhaps

Him): its already descriptive and colorful language, take it and run with it


Who says that instant message is the lowest form of communication? I have preserved the spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes for posterity, but honestly, who can say that that is not an intelligent conversation?


-Caio ya'll,

Lady in Black

Nonsensical Notes from Comp Class

*Start transmission*

Okay then folks. I’m just going to go ahead and post this little bit I wrote in Honors Comp today. You might ask why I’m posting this. Well simple answer is, I don’t know. My mind is simply all a flurry today and not for good reasons. As such, I think I’ll be random and post my notes on my Composition blog for no apparent reason.

I could give you an entire nonsensical discourse on why I put this on the blog. I could give you a beautiful discourse I had the other night with a friend on why armadillos are better than trees, but I digress.

The point is it’s on the blog.

We don’t know why.

We don’t care why.

In all probability no one reads this crazy thing anyway and the Professor thinks I’m an insane sad excuse for a student. So why am I doing this?

To rant, to express myself and hopefully find that little scrap of sanity left in my brain after the common sense moved out and left that wonderful ‘This Space For Rent’ sign. I’m pretty sure right now there are a couple of dust bunnies looking at moving in, but we’re not sure, they haven’t made a bid and I’m pretty sure they don’t have enough for the down payment. Well with that being said: here’s my notes from today’s class.

Things I hate

Close-minded people

Sexist people

Racist People

Bad attitudes

Insensitive jerks who enjoy running over other people just because they are different

Shopping

Valley girls

Southern accent haters

People who’s IQs are smaller than their shoe size because they don’t care to work at becoming better people

Being lonely

Mental breakdowns

Hypocrites

The Cubs

Jeff Gordon

People who tell me I’m worthless

Overtly hypocritical religious zealots

Rod Blagojevich

Emil Jones

Dick Durbin

Tomatoes

People who just don’t care

My body type

That my ears don’t match

My lack of social skills

Ok this wasn’t part of the assignment, but I feel like writing a ‘things I like’ list just to balance out all the bad karma here.

Things I like

Ketchup

Helping other people

4-H /All my awesome 4-H friends

Being good at what I do

Philosophy

Networking

Learning new skills/facts

Books of all types (!!!!!!)

Rednecks (I live in a small town in Central Illinois. It’s irony. Learn to like it.)

Cowboys/girls

Farm / Ag people

Running

Business people

People involved in politics/government (notice I did not say politicians)

Wise individuals. Note: Wisdom cannot be found in a text book or on a college campus and is not always found with age. Wisdom is found through understanding.

Good teachers/ professors who love their jobs despite the grossly unfair pay

Cars

Money (Hey, I ain’t gonna lie. I like money. That’s why this is an ‘I like’ list instead of an ‘I love’ list.)

Being valued as a person/friend

Counseling people/listening to their troubles/offering advice

Public Speaking (!!!)

Writing (!!!!!!!!!!!)

Manners/Decorum/Honor

Diversity

My incredibly strange and often mysterious way of thinking

DOCUMENTARY:

I feel I should write my reaction to this documentary as I watch it. Yes I know it’s biased. But just the fact that this hits really close to home for me. I mean I COME from that area of America. I AM that. My father is a truck driver, my mother is a part time secretary. I mean, I UNDERSTAND what these people are talking about. Gosh darn it all, this is all too familiar.

You know as I think about this, I wonder how many people in this room right now have actually had a parent lose a job. How about a parent who is the main breadwinner for the household? I honestly wonder that. I don’t mean it reproachfully, I mean it as an honest question. Does this documentary ring as true for others as it does for me?

How do you stand up for yourself? How on earth do you do it when you can’t stand on your own two feet as it is? You can’t afford to do anything? You can’t go to college, you HAVE no opportunities. You can’t do anything? How do you escape?

Huh?

You can’t, oh well…. Ok.

You are a prisoner of the system. Walmart does kill communities. But how can you get out?

I want to fight for the underdog! Gosh darn it. This movie is biased against Walmart, I know, but honestly this ignites that little passionate fire in me. Especially when they start talking about worker’s rights. I eventually would like to end up in labor relations or labor law as an attorney. I know it’s a dangerous job for those in the legal profession, but its something I have always had a great passion for: standing up for people.

Note: Inspiration for nonsense provided courtesy of the following brilliant blogs

http://race-08.livejournal.com/

http://o-the-insanity.blogspot.com/

Since no one reads this thing anyway, I thought I’d go ahead and tell you that I didn’t copy anything from the above mentioned blogs, these are two very close friends of mine. You can see the influence of ‘random writings’ they have exerted on me….

End Transmission

*static*

ARRRGGGG! Why can't anyone just give me a straight answer?!

Alright, so this post has no literary or written value besides the fact that I have to say something about what has just happened. Again, don't read this, I beg you, I am simply going to rant to let off steam.

I am a MC3 student here on campus, one of nine students on campus who participate in a program where Americorps pays us to do volunteer work in the community along with giving us an educational award. Now, I was all geared up for this. I was ready, I have volunteer opportunities a plenty around this area because, obviously I live only twenty minutes from Springfield and the fact that I'm an incredible networking agent. Needless to say, I was stoked, excited, ready to run as I knew what I was doing and I knew I could do it WELL. Then the bomb shell comes approximately 15 minutes ago. This entire time I was told that M3C students get paid to do this volunteer work, ok, I get it. I was pleasantly surprised when I was told this information because I was all worried about finding a job. (For those of you who don't know, I am paying college on my own. No parental help, no loans etc. I'm doing this on scholarships I have won and I intend for this all to be on me, as it should be.) Anyway, so I stopped looking for a job after I found out about this. Naively thinking that oh, I'm going to be fine now because I'm going to be getting minimum wage for volunteering. I have enough connections in the community that I could find enough volunteer work to keep me busy for a long long long time.

But now, the bombshell. Of course, things always go wrong. To quote someone else "Duh." Now I'm told that because I didn't take federal work study I cannot participate in the program. I WAS NEVER TOLD THIS!!! So now I've wasted an entire month which could've been spent finding a job. This really really worries me now because I've got to try and find a job with even less time now.... Great... I know I shouldn't be worried, I should just calm down and trust in the Lord to take care of me. However, this is very hard to do for someone such as myself who is such a spendthrift and inherently fiscally conscious. *Sigh* This just completely throws off my wonderfully orchestrated schedule. I suppose that IS the purpose of this though... to screw up my schedule and subsequently my day for today....

Oh well...

I guess this just means I go back to the overloaded schedule I had BEFORE coming to college... nice... stressful... back to good ol' antisocial, workaholic, living I see.

The Spider

My mother asked me to go outside to turn the filter on our swimming pool tonight. Grudgingly, I slipped on my tennis shoes and flipped on the porch light and went out to complete the chore. As I stepped outside, I first looked up to see that the dark sky held only clouds and one low flying helicopter instead of it's usual menagerie of stars. Sighing at the clouds that covered the moon, I bent to my task of turning on the filter.

After fulfilling my mission, I turned to go back into the house when I noticed a movement near the far post of our porch. Curious, I took my hand off the door knob and walked over to investigate.

There, suspended between the white post and the top edge of the roof, was a spider web and the largest garden spider I had seen in a long while. The arachnid seemed oblivious of me, and was in the process of placing the spiraling 'sticky' strands on its web. I stood there and marveled at the spider as it worked: there had to be at least twenty or thirty spirals in this already gaping web. Yet, its craftsman kept up a blistering pace as it 'tip toed' from each of the smooth anchor strands to lay more of the trap.

Intriged, I skipped inside and took a flashlight out to inspect more of this masterpeice. As soon as I shined my light upon the spider, however, I instantly regretted it as it retreated to the middle of the web. Apparently my 'backyard artist' was not willing to allow me to watch its handicraft anymore. Still, I studied the web for a few minutes longer.

I changed my position to look from the opposite side of the web, and view the underside of my spider. Its chelicera and spinnerets flickered in agitation, or so I suppose it was agitation, when my spotlight returned to it. Suddenly, a moth, attracted by my flashlight, flew into the web. In a flash, the spider was upon it and began to try to capture it. It was both strange and familiar to see the fluttering wings of the moth fighting against the long, thin appendages of the garden spider. Unfortunately for the spider, the moth broke free at the last possible moment and flew off. A meal would have to wait.

"Not tonight, my friend." I whispered to the spider and shut off my flashlight.
I took one last long look at the web and went back inside the house.



(This is a randmon note.... but... well... isn't it funny what God has us stop and look at? Such small things have such incredible thought put into them, do they not? Perhaps I am crazy (for I know I am insane..) but sometimes one thinks about things for the sake of admiring our creator's handiwork and how we fit into the scheme of things.)

Referring to my blog address... Part I

Ah yes, I think it is worthwhile to note that yes, I do know that I did misquote Shakespeare in my blog address. I did it on purpose, mind you. And here is why:

You see, I am like so many other students of English, a lover of Hamlet. Or rather, should I say both Hamlet and Horatio. Because as I see it, Horatio and I are more alike in thought and mind than Hamlet.. but that comes later you see...

"I have of late--butwherefore I know not--lost all my mirth, forgone allcustom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavilywith my disposition that this goodly frame, theearth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this mostexcellent canopy, the air, look you, this braveo'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof frettedwith golden fire, why, it appears no other thing tome than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours.What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason!how infinite in faculty! in form and moving howexpress and admirable! in action how like an angel!in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of theworld! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me,what is this quintessence of dust? man delights notme: no, nor woman neither, though by your smilingyou seem to say so." - Hamlet, Act II Scene II

This little introspective bit that Hamlet so eloquently phrases during his meeting with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern has a special meaning to me. It's so very multifaceted... this statement. But where to begin?

Let's start with what this quote is about, what's going on. I'm going to assume (yes, yes, I know what assuming does ... it makes a *** out of you and me... very clever dear reader...) that you have read Hamlet, that you are familiar with the plot, so I won't take unnecessary time to explain the grand tapestry of scandal and murder in the story. Instead, let's examine the meat and potatoes meaning behind Hamlet's words here.

"I have of late,—but wherefore I know not,—lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory;"
Quintessentially, the poor boy's depressed, and he's not entirely sure why. Sure the whole " My dad was murdered and my mom just married my uncle who happened to kill my dad all in the space of a few weeks." thing is depressing him, but there's something beneath the surface, something more that has our poor Prince of Denmark rueful. He cites the earth as a "sterile promontory": a lonely, desolate area. He further expounds upon this by painting with words he majesty and greatness of everything around him:

"-this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire,—why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. "

How grand! How majestic! How utterly amazing and miraculous ! And yet... how incredibly drab and grey... how like and unlike everything around it and everything before it and everything after it. That's what Hamlet's saying.

"What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! in form and moving, how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension, how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?"

Oh now he's gone and done it. Ragging on nature is one thing, but now he's going to rag on man? First Hamlet praises man for it's accomplishments, it's grace and beauty, even going so far as to compare man to god at one point. But once he reaches this peak, it's like he gives up. He collapses, it's sort of like "What's the use?". For at this point in the proceedings of the story, Hamlet is in such despair, he says that man is nothing to him. He tires of this endless drama life has presented him what with the current scandal. He says "And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me;" He is disgusted and exhausted with the concept of man, the universe and the reasoning behind man's actions.

There is a passage in the Bible, Ecclesiasties 1:9 to be exact, that is very similar in nature to what Hamlet relates: "The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun." I believe that this verse is perhaps the inspiration behind what Hamlet is saying. It states a fact that is rather depressing, in my view: that everything's been done and that life is just one long song that is replayed over and over again. Which you have to admit, that's pretty depressing. I think that's really what Hamlet is contemplating in this phrase, man's place in the eternal loop that is life on earth. History repeating itself, so to speak...


(Will continue shortly... must go to a meeting, so sorry!!! COMING SOON: My similarity to Horatio...)

Beowulf : Classic Literature Redone

So I recently reread Beowulf, and wrote this as a response to a challenge to write a 'new' adventure for Beowulf to have. Beowulf is an Old English heroic elegy that follows the character of Beowulf, a Geat (From Sweden) who travels to Denmark where he fights and slays the monster Grendel. A new movie from Paramount is coming out that will retell this age old story through cinema. I am excited to see this literary classic in movie form. Enjoy my story!

The Slaying of the Twelve

And so it came to pass

That Beowulf and his brave Geats

Must return home to their own hallowed land

And on his ship

Laden with treasure gifts from Hrothgar’s kingdom

The warriors began their journey homeward

But upon reaching their long awaited destination

And mooring upon soil long missed

Did news of Higlac’s death reach their ears

It was during their absence

Whilst they were aiding the Danish lord

That Higlac had sickened and died

After being wounded so mortally

From doing battle with a creature most foul

And so it was that the returning heroes

Did not present themselves

As the returning victors that they were

But as broken men in mourning black

Wailing laments as they marched inland

to where their fallen king laid

Though already the body had lain

A month in its crypt

Once more was the tomb opened

That Beowulf might bid his uncle farewell

As the masons worked to remove the

Stone from the entrance to Higlac’s final resting place

Slowly the story of the honored one’s killer did seep forth

And Leodeg, Higlac’s great counsel, spoke:

“Twas but a fortnight had passed since you had left

our great home to aid that lord across the sea

when the first of its victims we found.

In a bloody swath of earth nigh the road

Two pilgrims, one dead and

One barely clinging to life.

So mangled and mutilated were their corpses

That the spectacle was hardly recognizable

As human remains

So shredded was the flesh of the fast dying man

That all attempts to staunch the flow of his life’s blood

Were in vain.

And yet he found the strength to name his attacker

As his sister, who had been traveling with him.

Thinking the man mad for loss of blood

And humoring him further, I listened to

His weak voice as he told how his sister

Had been given a cursed item

Now she would turn into this malignant creature

That feeds upon the blood and flesh of men

And create more like her among

The women of each village they passed

The man, his voice so faint I strained to hear,

Told me he had been bringing her to a sacred

Shrine, to try and rid her of the curse.

But alas, the hunger of the beast within

Won over the fragile lady’s heart

And as the poor pilgrim’s heart did slow

He warned me one last time:

‘Naught can stop the creature once the twelve

are gathered and ride.’

With this final puzzling warning

The pious pilgrim died

And though I bore the man’s story no weight

I was soon to be proven wrong.

For within the first three days

Of the deaths of the pilgrims

Nine more of our people died

In such similar a manner

That the same creature, the same killer

Must be at fault

This creature, foul in nature and fowl by name

Was a devil incarnate that possessed the women

Of the land.

Upon slaking its thirst with her sweet blood,

The spirit would take over the tender damsel’s shell

From her back would sprout the wings of a raven

And her hands liken themselves to the talons of a hawk

Her eyes no longer the soft fawn colored gems

But hard black bits of opal that possessed a hard searing gaze

With moonrise, the creature would awaken

And seek out the bread and water of its sustenance

In the bodies of any who dared stray into the dark night

Each morning it seemed more corpses

Were discovered

Or more people were missing

Each night it seemed the attacks

Increased in ferocity.

Until one dusky evening,

Yonder brave king and his most trusted of warriors

Laid wait in a field for the creature

Surely our own Lord Higlac and eight of his best huntsmen

Would be a match for such a monster?

And yet, when morning came, like all the others

Blood mixed with dew dressed the green leaves

In silver and red.

Our great Higlac, now gasping and fighting for air

Had been defeated by this monstrosity.

But as we cared for him, in his dying hours

He, like the pilgrim, told the tale of his battle.

He and his men had fought bravely,

The clawed creature had appeared

With the first wisps of night

And had set about cracking his warrior’s heads

Like walnuts in the shell

Soon, however, the tables turned

As one of the knights damaged the creature’s wing

It fell from the sky and was cornered

Until it soon resembled the corpses it once

Rendered limb from limb

But before the final killing blow was to be struck

Four more such creatures did descend on the band

And the battle raged on.

Valiantly Higlac battled until only he was left

His mail shorn from his body by fierce claws

And his sword broken by the strong wings of the demons

Surely he would soon die as the bird-monsters drank his blood!

But God’s glorious sun had begun to rise, and the creatures of

Darkness shrank from the heavenly light as though burned by fire

Without a moment more, they wheeled away towards the fading

Twilight, until another night of gluttony.

And thus is how we found our king, broken and dying

He lingered but for a few moments, only long enough

To name his attackers: “Valkyrja,” he called them, “

The cursed bird-women of the north.”

You are a celebrated warrior yourself

As well as your uncle’s chosen heir.

Take the throne, and lead the Geats,

But first destroy these hideous Valkyrja

And free our people from terror.”

After hearing Leodeg’s tale

And the fate of his uncle

Beowulf agreed to defeat

The monsters and set about the task.

“From what I have heard,” Beowulf began,

“Both from the pilgrim’s words

And that of my fallen uncle’s

These creatures will multiply

Until they reach twelve in number.

We must not allow this to happen

For each creature can easily take

Two men a night to ease its hunger.

This very night, I wish to have

Twenty warriors of unparalleled

Strength and skill to gather upon the hill

Where the first battle betwixt my Uncle and

The Valkyrja occurred.”

And by dusk the twenty men asked for and Beowulf himself

Had assembled themselves on the hill where last Higlac had fought.

There the soil was still red and sour with the spilled blood

From Higlac’s men.

The sun set and the night wafted in.

Already, Beowulf’s chosen warriors had

Begun to doubt their leader, and pranced and milled like nervous

Horses. The night was black as pitch, no moon shone, no stars glimmered.

Even the barest hint of wind was mistaken for the foul breath of a Valkyrja.

Many hours did the men wait,

Until finally the fear began to dissipate.

And one by one the men fell asleep

Leaving Beowulf the watch alone to keep.

Not long past the witching hour,

Twelve apparitions of feather and claw descended

Upon the unsuspecting band of conquerors.

Beowulf rose the alarm quickly, as the first

Of his warriors was snatched from before him

And hauled into the dark air as the bird-women

Shrieked with delight at their meal.

“To me! To me! At arms, all of you! To me!”

Beowulf gathered his army around him as the

Creatures wheeled and dove trying to

Shred and devour those below.

Beowulf, being so angry that even one of

His men had been devoured, grasped the

Wing of one of the creatures as it flew in to strike again.

The creature, surprised as it was at being caught, struggled from

His grip, as its razor sharp feathers cut into Beowulf’s hand.

Knowing he could not hold on, Beowulf quickly smashes the hilt of his sword

Onto the demon’s wing and hears the satisfying crunch of bone as it is made lame.

The Valkyrja crashes into the ground before rising up again

With vengance burning in its black eyes.

The remaining multitude of demon-birds hang back

Behind their fallen comrade

Seething with fury and rage.

“Fools!”one of their number shrieks,

“Don’t you know that once the Twelve

Are assembled no man can oppose us? Hlökk will fly again!

She will feast with her sisters Skögul and Göll on sweet man flesh

and drink the hot blood from your veins!

We will forever ride and naught can slay us!”

Beowulf answered this challenge with as much a cryptic answer:

“This is true, no man may oppose you, but soon your bones will

crackle and your feathers wilt all the same.”

With this final word, Beowulf and his men fell upon

The demons with pikes and axes, smashing wings

And breaking talons even as they were being devoured

For even though they could not fly, the Valkyrja were not dead

And still bit and tore, and mangled men on the ground.

All through the night this went, until only three of the twelve

Remained airborne and only Beowulf remained of his men.

“Fool!” one of the Valkyrja cackled,

“Why do you continue darting around on the ground like that?

There is no hope for you! All your warriors are dead!

Only you remain, and yet you have gained nothing!

Come the next moon, my sisters will have healed

and the twelve will once again ride the night sky.”

Even as the creature spoke, Beowulf notched

an arrow and injured the beasts,

causing them to fall from their aerie.

Again the creatures laughed,

All twelve lame but very much alive

Beasts surrounded the final warrior and

Began to shred his flesh.

But then as the Valkyrja began to

Pounce upon Beowulf for the final blow

He laughed.

“What madness is this?” asked the monster named Hlökk,

“Do all fools die with such mirth? I know not, but an uneasiness

has grabbed me, sisters. ‘Ware the man who laughs at death.”

The great hulk of feather and sin tossed Beowulf’s body to the next

Demon to be devoured, but his laughter did not stop.

And just then the sun began to rise, for the battle

Had taken all the night’s hours and on through twilight.

As the burning rays of heaven’s glory touched the

Sin stained feathers of the black Valkyrja

They screeched in pain and agony and attempted

To fly back to darkness.

But alas, because all their wings were broken, they

Could do naught but flap helplessly on the ground

As they were eaten up by the acidic rays of sunlight

Until all that was left were the bodies of the twelve

Possessed women and black raven feathers.

Beowulf, being one more for strength

Than battles of wit,

Surveyed the carnage before him

And then turned towards the sun to greet the day.